If you remember the cool gross collectable card things called The Garbage Pail Kids, you probably remember The Garbage Pail Kids movie. This pains you deep inside, like in Alien where there's an alien inside of you and it's about to pop out in the form of a horrible movie!

Ah, childhood memories. Trampolines, snowcones, summer vacation, comic books, Duck Tails, and DEATH DOOM DEATH KILL SHOOTYOUINHEAD HORRIFIC DOOMAGE! If this reminds you of your childhood memories, then you have probably seen Garbage Pail Kids The Movie. Congratulations, you may proceed to the winner's booth and receive your prize of getting repeatedly kicked in the balls by a clone of your grandmother, except a stronger version than the one you know and love. Bringing the faint memories of this movie back to life was a fatal mistake. A mistake that involves a hatred for all things having to do with the 80's.

You may remember the wildly popular Garbage Pail Kids trading cards. Since it was so popular and the cards were selling like hotcakes (or some other sort of fast selling breakfast item) Hollywood decided it would be fun to exploit it and make it a bunch of suck. With that director Rodney Amateau's (who has not directed a movie since) talents of being a guest star on The Duke's of Hazzard, he had all the know how of writing and directing a movie about a card collection that had no story whatsoever. They called the talents of some kid, some girl, some guy, some other girl, and Vin Diesel to star as a kid with no family, and a bunch of morons in their mid 20's who steal money from 12 year old boys.

VINNY!
Give me your lunch money little kid. I am strong like bald muscle robot thing.

The boy, Dodger, spends his time working at an Antique shop and... doing nothing else. He has no home, no family, he simply goes away for a while to some sort of alternate universe where kids get the right to work at age 12 and get magic food and sleep. The antique shop owner, Captain Manzini, is somewhat of a pirate with magic stuff around his shop for no apparent reason. He has this garbage pail that he never wants to open, so he makes sure to put it very high on a small ledge, you know, the smart thing to do. After Dodger gets in trouble with Vin Diesel and his crownies, they knock over the garbage pail and put dodger in a sewer and turn on the "Men's Room" or "Shit" pipe to pour on him. The heros; The Garbage Pail Kids, are then released to help dodger and sew clothes for some reason. They look like deformed midgets that had boiling rubber thrown on them.

The characters included are from real cards and is as follows;

  • Valerie Vomit (puke girl)
  • Windy Winston (fart guy)
  • Foul Phil (body oder guy)
  • Nat Nerd (pees pants guy)
  • Ali Gator (aligator guy?)
  • Greaser Greg (Italian guy, no ethnic slurs here!)
  • Messy Tessie (booger girl)

With an all star lineup like this how can you lose? Long and hard... and painful. This movie sucks, it makes no sense at all. Supposedly there is a place called the "Institution for the Ugly" that goes around and captures ugly people and puts them in cages, then in trash compactors of some kind. They run around in trucks with nets and capture them. Captain Manzini says he's been searching for their hideout for years, even though it's within walking distance, on a major road, has trucks driving around that say the name on it, AND the building says the name nice and big on it too.

The Garbage Pail Kids run around and get into "gross", "zany", and "f*cking annoying" adventures involving throwing up, peeing, farting, boogers, and eating toes. "Good fun!" you say, and I hate you. But these things happen at least 23425 times roughly every 36 seconds on screen, making sure it bashes through your skull that these kids are just plain gross! Once you have that increadably hard concept down, you have most of the movie done. The kids get captured and put into the "Too Gross" cage, next to Santa in "Too Fat", a clown in "Too Silly", a hairy guy in "Too Hairy", a midget in "Too Short", and many other cages with stuff that makes no sense. Apparently Hitler is running this town and started this organization to get rid of everything, but for some reason all the "Too Jewish" cages weren't to be seen.

Behind all this nonsense is some more nonsense about a fashion show that has nothing to do with anything. And the little Dodger kid beats up Vin Diesel in the end. How? Hell if I know, he just got super powers or something. Then Captain Manzini captures the Garbage Pail Kids back into the garbage pail cause, let's face it, they really wouldn't be garbage pail kids if they weren't in a garbage pail right? Other than this I see no reason to lock away Dodger's only friends, besides the good ol' pirate captain that is.

This movie should perish in flames of flaming perishness. Just don't breath in the smoke.

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Originality Anyone who can make a movie out of trading cards has to be somewhat original. -3.5
Acting Sock puppets would have done better. Hell, socks in general would have done better. -4
Soundtrack Like being transported back in time and being kicked in the head. A lot. -2
Effects/Presentation Strange midget things looked alright, I guess. -0.5
Storyline Stupid stupid stupid. I guess it teaches kids not to hate ugly people or something. God, is it stupid. -4.5
0
Final Verdict: -2.9

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

pumpkin yammers:

Smilie!A few weeks back, I was trying to jog my hubby's memory about the Garbage Pail Kids, he doesn't remember them. Eh, we all can't be awesome. Anyways, a few days later, I was shopping for groceries at Food Lion and what do I see?? It was a bunch of Garbage Pail Kids Dvds staring at me. 9 bucks. Woot. It was corny, but what 80's movie isn't?

Mike discharges:

Smilie!true man, vin diesel wasnt in that movie... i checked the cast list thing... it would have been sooo funny if it was him though.

Mike vocalizes:

Smilie!Yeah true dude, vin diesel was NOT in that movie, i bugged when i saw that and checked the cast and credits... that shit would have been so funny if it was him

kathleen (Guest) yammers:

Smilie!I like Spam! It's fun!

babygizmo (Guest) un-shut-ups:

Smilie!i tried the big video stores, like Blockbuster, but no one knows what i'm talking about

AnonFag@208.60.252.35 (Guest) unleashes:

Smilie!I dont know where to rent it

AnonFag@208.60.252.35 (Guest) verbalizes:

Smilie!Is it realy that good ?

AnonFag@208.60.252.35 (Guest) forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!Murph said:I think you can rent it someplaces. As for buying, check ebay. Do you know if you can get it from block buster or the library ?

benjamincrimson (Guest) jabbers:

Smilie!realy from your house or online. do you need a credit card ? are they the old ones or the new ones ? how much do you live in florida ?

AnonFag@208.60.252.35 (Guest) conveys:

Smilie!Realy your the first person thats actualy gave a good coment about it I hope its as good as you say

Liz (Guest) communicates:

Smilie!That movie was disgusting. I wish never to see it again. I probably won't sleep for weeks. Producer and creator- you both have something wrong with the sane part of your mind.

elisa-elisa@sbcglobal.net (Guest) yammers:

Smilie!cool

luis (Guest) absolves:

Smilie!chin

Murph blahs:

Smilie!leon phelps said:vin diesel was not in that movie...it was some other crumby actor! Har Har!

leon phelps (Guest) verbalizes:

Smilie!vin diesel was not in that movie...it was some other crumby actor!

keeth (Guest) jabbers:

Smilie!this is the best movie ever made .

AnonFag@64.12.116.197 (Guest) conveys:

Smilie!cool

gingero13 (Guest) says in non-morse code:

Smilie!i have tons of gpk cards for sale email me!!

-|Devious|- vocalizes:

Smilie!i got a question is that gay man on the picture not the one from that 2 fast to furious?

Murph absolves:

Smilie!There is, indeed, a soundtrack. Try ebay.

cobra (Guest) conveys:

Smilie!hey i was wondering if there is a soundtrack to the film garbage pail kids, if so does anyone no where i can buy it?

Skitz0 (Guest) absolves:

Smilie!This film Weirded me out............Wich is a good thing in my book.

!!!Bring back joe!!!!

RubberWampa (Guest) evaporates:

Smilie!OMG the review is hilarious. I do agree with you on almost all accounts. The acting was so crappy because the movie was on a short deadline... (aren't all movies?) However, what do you expect from a movie about gross little creeps? We all should have known what to expect after seeing the cards.

kathleen (Guest) plutoniums:

Smilie!iz so dam gross but VIN IS THE BEST!!!!!!

Murph evaporates:

Smilie!I think you can rent it someplaces. As for buying, check ebay.

Bob vocalizes:

Smilie!By the way, can we still rent or buy the movie some place?

Bob vocalizes:

Smilie!I think this was an awesome movie, but no one really remembers it, except for us few!

shane (Guest) blahs:

Smilie!Well I don't remember the movie well enough to say it sucked since the last time I watched it I was a little kid. The parts I do however make me want to watch it again. Can you still buy the movie anywhere?

frank forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!Um, well, I kinda agree, but man, it is from our childhood! I guess you had to be really into it to enjoy it.....we rented it from the video store every 2 weeks!
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