Pluh.com > Articles/Archive > B-Movies > Garbage Pail Kids The Movie

Ah, childhood memories. Trampolines, snowcones, summer vacation, comic books, Duck Tails, and DEATH DOOM DEATH KILL SHOOTYOUINHEAD HORRIFIC DOOMAGE! If this reminds you of your childhood memories, then you have probably seen Garbage Pail Kids The Movie. Congratulations, you may proceed to the winner's booth and receive your prize of getting repeatedly kicked in the balls by a clone of your grandmother, except a stronger version than the one you know and love. Bringing the faint memories of this movie back to life was a fatal mistake. A mistake that involves a hatred for all things having to do with the 80's.

You may remember the wildly popular Garbage Pail Kids trading cards. Since it was so popular and the cards were selling like hotcakes (or some other sort of fast selling breakfast item) Hollywood decided it would be fun to exploit it and make it a bunch of suck. With that director Rodney Amateau's (who has not directed a movie since) talents of being a guest star on The Duke's of Hazzard, he had all the know how of writing and directing a movie about a card collection that had no story whatsoever. They called the talents of some kid, some girl, some guy, some other girl, and Vin Diesel to star as a kid with no family, and a bunch of morons in their mid 20's who steal money from 12 year old boys.

 

Give me your lunch money little kid. I am strong like bald muscle robot thing.

The boy, Dodger, spends his time working at an Antique shop and... doing nothing else. He has no home, no family, he simply goes away for a while to some sort of alternate universe where kids get the right to work at age 12 and get magic food and sleep. The antique shop owner, Captain Manzini, is somewhat of a pirate with magic stuff around his shop for no apparent reason. He has this garbage pail that he never wants to open, so he makes sure to put it very high on a small ledge, you know, the smart thing to do. After Dodger gets in trouble with Vin Diesel and his crownies, they knock over the garbage pail and put dodger in a sewer and turn on the "Men's Room" or "Shit" pipe to pour on him. The heros; The Garbage Pail Kids, are then released to help dodger and sew clothes for some reason. They look like deformed midgets that had boiling rubber thrown on them.

The characters included are from real cards and is as follows;

• Valerie Vomit (puke girl)
• Windy Winston (fart guy)
• Foul Phil (body oder guy)
• Nat Nerd (pees pants guy)
• Ali Gator (aligator guy?)
• Greaser Greg (Italian guy, no ethnic slurs here!)
• Messy Tessie (booger girl)

With an all star lineup like this how can you lose? Long and hard... and painful. This movie sucks, it makes no sense at all. Supposedly there is a place called the "Institution for the Ugly" that goes around and captures ugly people and puts them in cages, then in trash compactors of some kind. They run around in trucks with nets and capture them. Captain Manzini says he's been searching for their hideout for years, even though it's within walking distance, on a major road, has trucks driving around that say the name on it, AND the building says the name nice and big on it too.

The Garbage Pail Kids run around and get into "gross", "zany", and "f*cking annoying" adventures involving throwing up, peeing, farting, boogers, and eating toes. "Good fun!" you say, and I hate you. But these things happen at least 23425 times roughly every 36 seconds on screen, making sure it bashes through your skull that these kids are just plain gross! Once you have that increadably hard concept down, you have most of the movie done. The kids get captured and put into the "Too Gross" cage, next to Santa in "Too Fat", a clown in "Too Silly", a hairy guy in "Too Hairy", a midget in "Too Short", and many other cages with stuff that makes no sense. Apparently Hitler is running this town and started this organization to get rid of everything, but for some reason all the "Too Jewish" cages weren't to be seen.

Behind all this nonsense is some more nonsense about a fashion show that has nothing to do with anything. And the little Dodger kid beats up Vin Diesel in the end. How? Hell if I know, he just got super powers or something. Then Captain Manzini captures the Garbage Pail Kids back into the garbage pail cause, let's face it, they really wouldn't be garbage pail kids if they weren't in a garbage pail right? Other than this I see no reason to lock away Dodger's only friends, besides the good ol' pirate captain that is.

This movie should perish in flames of flaming perishness. Just don't breath in the smoke.

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