Odessa Filmworks brings us a heartwarming tale of biblical proportions (kinda) by making a crappy vampire movie starring none other than Jesus Christ himself!

The first testament says, "Eye for an eye."

The second testament says, "Love thy neighbor."

The third testament... KICKS ASS!

This is one of the tag lines for Odessa Filmwork's latest "Lesbian Vampires VS Jesus Christ and a Mexican Wrestler" movie, witch may or may not take place on Earth. The story's plot twists and turns from making little, to no sense. Jesus takes on armies of Lesbian Vampires, regular Vampires, and Atheists through badly choreographed fight scenes. Jesus doesn't so much hunt vampires as much as he just walks around while random events occur.

At the beginning of the film we find that two priests are in need of Jesus' help to rid them of the Lesbian Vampires who have been killing their church-goers. They immediately know where to find Jesus; at the beach making sand castles and baptizing people in a lake. After trying to convince Jesus to help them, he explains that his sand castle is not yet built or something, so he can't help them. Then vampires attack and knock down Jesus' sand castle (which is something you probably never should do, and I think it's in one of the commandments... or at least one of the amendments). After defeating the vampire lesbians by blessing the entire ocean and throwing the vampires into it, Jesus decides that he must help his followers and gets a haircut and his ears pierced. I'm not sure why, but I guess in the Bible it tells that Jesus can defeat lesbian vampires more effectively with shorter hair and earrings.

CASTAR!

Cast of... Characters?

Throughout the rest of the "movie" Jesus gets help from various Priests, non-vampire lesbians, God in the form of ice cream, Mary in the form of a nightlight, and a Mexican wrestler who ends up falling in love with one of the lesbian vampires, but then turns out to be a bisexual vampire. I REALLY wish I was making this up. Jesus also uses his holy powers by making wooden stakes, climbing through air vents, eating ice cream that talks to him, and being in more than one place at the exact same time. These religious movies practically write themselves!

While I can't really suggest this movie to anyone unless they're tempted to see one of the most poorly made movies ever, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter was pretty funny at times, and made absolutly no sense at others. So if you don't feel like renting The Ten Commandments, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter might be the next best thing. Plus I don't think The Ten Commandments has any Jesus musical dance scenes.

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Originality I guess anything with Jesus, Lesbian Vampires, and Mexican Wrestlers must be original. -4.5
Acting Very, very poor. Something poor! -4
Soundtrack I laugh at it much. -3.5
Effects/Presentation It presents itself as crap and crap it does! -3.5
Storyline I don't understand! -3
0
Final Verdict: -3.7

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Scarecrow absolves:

Smilie!I love this awesomely retarded movie... How could you not?!

Rawrb says in non-morse code:

Smilie!I bought a sammich!

Sawshuh unleashes:

Smilie!you know thanks to this I actually bought that movie. I love it so.

Jesus Christ (Guest) plutoniums:

Smilie!Hey... I haven't seen this movie yet, and it looked so fucking goood. Why I haven't seen it yet? Not sure. It might have something to do with me being drunk through the whole filming/acting part.

poes (Guest) communicates:

Smilie!wassup

naiara (Guest) un-shut-ups:

Smilie!you are so fucking..hot..
;*

SilentBob (Guest) unleashes:

Smilie!poop

SilentBob (Guest) splats:

Smilie!i agree with jc

Joseph (Guest) says in non-morse code:

Smilie!hello Richard

AnonFag@217.33.207.195 (Guest) discharges:

Smilie!hello

Rawrb bakes:

Smilie!Scott toll said:FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This Scott Toll guy didn't get what he wanted for Christmas!He needs to lay off that "!" key, and try some egg-nog!

Scott toll (Guest) says in non-morse code:

Smilie!FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rawrb evaporates:

Smilie!JC, it's cool. See, we know it's not REALLY you. You could cast Holy on vampires and destroys them!

Murph evaporates:

Smilie!Stupid you! You don't understand the concept of the B Movie!

JC (Guest) bakes:

Smilie!How dare you diss my moovay?

For once, lesbians were good for something! How dare you!
The team of stuff they do.
Never coming to a theatre near you. EVER!
The crazy guy that pops out of bushes. He so crazy!
Bad guy vampire of vampire guy things!
Evil lesbian vampire of blood sucking lesbianism!