Gawkman reviews an incredibly bad (or good by B movie standards) movie. This one is well-rounded and quite balanced; the acting, script, dialogue, and special effects are all equally awful. With this movie, there are many wonderful opportunites for rude yet hilarious comments to be made even by the most dim-witted of individuals.

I love caffeine. I have a good buzz going right now, so I think I'll write a review before the motivation goes away. What's the review about again? Oh yeah, a B movie called, "Mosquito".

Alright, fokes. I think we have a new standard in B movie-ness. This thing is the Pantera of B movies. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING you come to love and make fun of in a B movie is here. You have your standard weak script, extreme predictability, cheesy special effects, lame one-liners, bad acting, and excessive, overdone fake violence.

Our heroes:

  • A guy and his hot girlfriend who knows way too much about bugs and has an obsession with taking dead things with them.
  • A fat black dude that doesn't think he's tough anymore and studies meteors
  • Some stupid criminal guys that can't read a map, don't know when a gun's loaded, and wear camouflage.
  • A whiny ranger who complains too much
  • A couple that have sex and die shortly afterward while the boyfriend is off taking a leak
  • A camp director who is way too intense in his description of mosquitoes
  • A bunch of halloween masks

Our bad-guys:

  • Mutant mosquitoes that stab chicks in the ass
  • Intelligent script-writing (who makes very few appearances in this film)

Here's the basic plot: a meteor lands on these camping grounds. There was an alien in the ship, and somehow mosquitoes near the thing turn into oversized, evil mutant visible-string-suspended creatures of death after a scene that resembles the last part in war of the worlds too-closely. There's a couple driving through (who the chick is pretty hot, though needs bigger boobies), and they hit one of these giant mosquitoes. Then she wants to take the death thing with them for investigation about what it is. They find out that the "thing" they hit punctured a whole in their radiator, so they end up getting a ride for the meteorologist, who studies meteors (not the weather). Then they find a dead fisherman guy's body, and the chick wants to take it with them.

You want my blood... take my blood!

The mosquitoes then kill a whole camp ground of happy campers (HAHA!!! I MAD A PUN-NY!!!) who are soon discovered by our heroes. Then the mosquitoes come after them, and they escape in an RV before the mosquitoes are actually visible and the filmakers had to spend more money on special effects. Then there's a pointless subplot about some guys that had stolen some money or something, who soon join our protagonists. They get chased by the mosquitoes, and the hero chick almost accidently steps out of the door of the moving vehicle, and can't pull herself back in (I kid you not). Then it tips over and crashes, and for some reason the mosquitoes disappear, then reappear giving them just enough time to escape. They then hide in a sewer, and do a rip off from the air duct escape scene in Aliens. The next day, they go to a farmhouse, where the final confrontation ensues.

I shall tell you no more, I shall only give you hints of wonderful things to come:

  • Some more people die
  • A guy somehow manages to miss seeing a thousand 3-foot tall mosquito eggs
  • Shooting at a mosquito outside the window that can't even get in is more important than saving an allies life
  • Killer mosquitoes tend to make total bad guys want to do a 180 and become a selfless hero
  • Killing a nest instead of origin of the creatures that made the nest means SEQUEL!
  • Everybody seems to prefer getting to the roof of a house one at a time through a laundry elevator rather than using the stairs when a 3-minute time-bomb is about to go off
  • When you survive being an actor in a movie this bad... now THAT'S tough!

You have got to see this one. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 comments will just flow while you watch! Be sure to listen to the wonderful dialogue; you won't want to miss any of these wonderfully quoteable quotes. Quite possibly one of the best B-movies I've seen!

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Originality KILLER MOSQUITOES! -3
Acting Quite poor. -4
Soundtrack Sound track? -1
Effects/Presentation SO MUCH BAD! -4.5
Storyline Hurray for lack of... stuff! -2
0
Final Verdict: -2.9

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Rawrb verbalizes:

Smilie!This movie... SUCKS!Get it? BHAHAHA!

X-eQutR (Guest) verbalizes:

Smilie!DAMN! I love your reviews! :)

Rawrb yammers:

Smilie!I have seen this "movie."So much LAUGH!