The literal, musical sex experience of the new millennium described down to the very last detail, all while avoiding the NC-17 territory. Don't let the little ones read, and if they do ... explain to them that it is a ritual scribed by savages of the past that somehow translated to western culture. Hey, they did it with Religion, didn't they?

Luckily for me, I have an unlimited supply of friends who have incredible tastes in music. I, for one, am always on the look out for something interesting and fun to listen to, with that small hint of relevance and profound thought. I am the kind of person who wants to sit down and really have a look at the lyrics written by a band, and really think about them in retrospect to where the world is at right now. For me, Incubus is, and remains, the one band I can count on 100% of the time to look at a situation, think about it, and speak of it without really giving the opinion too much weight. Sadly, this article is not called, "Incubus: Religion, Politics, and Everything In Between," ... but I can't wait to get started on that one.

I want to shift focuses for a while on a new band that was introduced to me by a dear friend called, 'The Mars Volta.' This is a band that, without a doubt, is really becoming a consistent favorite of mine. I've never been so in awe of a band on musical talent all by itself, and 'The Mars Volta' is, by far, the most versatile and technically proficient band I have spinning in my CD player now. I love to break down songs and get to the core of the songs themselves, and this article is no different. I've done it with Incubus's 'Here in My Room,' P.O.D.'s 'Hollywood,' and now I'm gonna go ahead and look at The Mars Volta's 13 minute latin/rock/prog fusion epic, 'Cygnus ... Vismund Cygnus.' ( If you're interested, check out my lovely ninja influenced myspace page <> and check out what's up there. I have an RSS link and you'll have to check that one out. I can't really post them here, though, because ... well ... gotta follow a theme, homes.)

I have reason to believe that this song was created for the soul purpose of experimenting what it would be like if sex were created through music. Let's face it, sex is the single most greatest physical feeling in the ever, and who ever tried it out first must have been so proud of him or herself. If you're anything like me, you probably have sex like any normal person would ... meaning you're not exactly into going crazy with several positions put together as if you were playing Twister with your partner. Nothing like the audatious porno's I've been watching lately, nothing to that extreme. Still, I liken this song to having sex because, well, this song is pretty much what sex would sound like if it were a song, and while Cedric is unfortunately male in this outfit, he does make the listener believe that songs are living, breathing animals, and are capable of having multiple orgasms. This is a feat that no singer has pulled off so fluently and obviously than Robert Plant. (Sorry, Brandon Boyd.)

The song begins with a somber melody played on an acoustic guitar. It may not be the song playing during the ideal date with a pretty girl, but it does have the building excitment of something incredible happening later. It could be the song playing as you sit there at the restaraunt, silently turning each other on with the cute little facial expressions you give each other. Then, in comes Cedric's voice, "The ocean floor is hidden from the viewing lense ... a depth perception languished in the mind," which may or may not suggest the activity in and of itself (as a stand alone lyric taken out of context, of course) but it's as though he is speaking to his lover calmly as they enter his home and relax together in his room while the passion builds up and becomes overwhelming.

THEN! Almost unexpectedly, the song bursts into a quickly paced, samba influenced psycho-riff, which signifies that the passion has intensified within seconds and these lovers are ripping each others' clothes off. As the first verse begins, it begins with Rush, but modesty and somehow describing through Omar's frantic guitar playing the endorphines flying through both of their bodies as the sex begins. Cedric's singing is almost representative of the string that holds all of the fervent emotions in, almost as if his singing is the thought of not overdoing it, while the music, the feelings in the heart beg to go let it all out ... in a manner of speaking. The bridge approaches alone, "all night I'll hunt for you. Let me show you what I mean." And just before the emotions overwhelm the thoughts, the sex is slowed down in order to savor the moment, flip positions where she takes the top and he takes the bottom, and they start all over again.

As the second verse begins, it eases it's way into Cedric's lyrics, which almost penetrate the sound by itself, hitting the one spot that spikes through their bodies and lashes out in a controlled moan. As Cedric powerhouses his way through the lyrics, the band somehow manages to keep up with his eccentricites, showing how together the band is, and the surprises are offered from the band's ability to surprise the listener all together. Almost as if the lovers are on the same page, and each spike of near unbearable pleasure is expected, but all the more shocking and eccentric. The bridge begins again, building and building upon itself, but this time the control over the act has slipped through the fingers of our participants, and gushes of adrenaline spread like wildfire through their bodies, forcing them to react accordingly.

The chorus finally kicks in, "Who do yooooowooowooo," building up to the rest of the chorus, and Cedric's voice excels from the modesty and control over the verses to a new height as the music climaxes, and the only way to harness this new vulnerability is to shreik out in pleasure because it forces its way out. All the chorus does is continue building from the bridge to the point of incoherent chaos, yet the band is still together. The chaos lasts a moment, then pauses because it's only two minutes in! Sure, it's been a great two minutes, but if either one of these participants blows then ... then someone is just going to end up feeling washed up and embarassed.

The gap between the die down of the chorus is filled by some in-time guitar noodling from Omar, allowing our participants to switch positions once again and continue with the third leg of their adventure.

Because it's a song, it is likely that the third verse here is just as long as the last two, but it seems much much shorter because we aren't anticipating the climaxing chorus at the end of it. We're too into the song, and into the motions of its musicians, and when two people are having sex, this is the feeling. No one is anticipating the climax because it will come when it comes ... once again, in a manner of speaking. And in that moment, the chorus hits us across the side of the head, wishing that the verse could last longer so that we could feel the chorus coming on. Still, it comes when it comes, and even more so than the last time, these lovers have less control over their urge to release. As they pick up the intensity and momentum through the chorus, the payoff is predictable, yet amazing in its chaos. The chorus nearly collides with a nearly inaudible mesh of sounds and noises, screaming for attention and almost drowning each other out, then out of the clear comes one final attempt to keep at it and keep at it strong. Each time switch is a sharp, noticable jolt into the pattern, as if the muscles of our participants were twitching and jolting in pleasure. Still, they soldier on, still eager to feel one another, and they finally get to the point where they must finish this leg of the journey and take it slow for a while.

This is where the love making starts, and continues for a very long time. The two return to the position they began in, and as they travel so the cerebral wackiness that is Omar's intruiguing solo, the two move slowly, but together. They may even throw in a few scattershot kisses at one another, not necessarily landing in the right parts. Still, the ambitious tension has really died down, and now they can really focus on each other focusing on each other.

As the song moves along through the soft, sensual noodling of Omar's guitar playing, our lovers are slowly exploring each other, and finding those spots on the body that make them feel all tingly and stuff. The syncopated beat continues to mark the points of unexpected twists, and jolts, and spikes of pleasure. The music begins to build once more, and the curdling in the stomach mixes with the butterflies as our lovers' feelings and urges begin to build up and start controlling our lovers' bodies. This is the point where they start stretching their limbs, and holding on to that pleasure that builds and builds upon itself. Then, when Cedric breaks into his "oooooh yeaaaaaaaah's," our lovers are holding back, not wanting their session to end, but, alas, release is just around the corner, and they must savor the moment.

Finally, the final chorus breaks free as though it were trapped in one of those Vault 101 prison complexes from "Fallout 3," and our lovers take off in their original, rampant and passionate sexual experience. As the band swiftly plays it's way through the final chorus, our lovers are navigating through each other, consistently hitting that 'sweet spot' that cause those shouts in the dark, that sound almost as though they were in agony. But this agony is anything but, and it is caused from a pleasure that can only be created through the art of dirty, dirty, sex, and before we know it, the band bursts almost violently into it's explosion of the final bridge, as our lovers come to the explosive release that has been coming from the start of this saucy adventure, and they explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ... and explode ...

Until finally, the music has died down, and out lovers lay next to each other. The music morphs into an incoherent mixture of sounds, caused only by the amount of energy put into the 10 minutes before. The energy causes a sort of wonderful disorientation, and depending on who you are and who you make love to ... you may feel a bit embarrassed by only going for 10 minutes, but there is one thing you must understand ... you are reading an article written by a person who plays about 50 video games per 1 sexual experience, which is quite sad in the greater scope of things.

Well, that pretty much concludes my ... um ... strangely sensitive porno novel that, believe it or not, took me about four weeks to write. So ... I hope you enjoyed the fruits of my labor, and ... if you could just pass me a cigarette and stay out of my way when I pass out, it would be much appreciated. Also ... if you could call a cab home, because I'm kind of low on gas, and money. No ... no, I can't really let you ... you know ... I can't lend you any money for the cab. Please, just leave my apartment. Please? I'll call you tomorrow. No, I promise, I really will!

Honestly! Can you just leave? Please?


Category Comment Rating
Fun Factor Not only a love making song, but a song about ... post-abortion failures? Still, the song is made of sex, and sex is fun, amirite? 5
Sex Level SO MUCH SEX. Not bad for a band made up of nine dudes playing latino songs strangely inspired by Rush and Led Zeppelin 5
Explosion-Worthy Absolutely all the time, made out of explosions. Any kind of explosion too, I can actually see this song being the theme for Predator 5: The Mars Volta come into a small resort town and shoot up the soccer moms ... or something like that. 5
Boredom Fix-ness 0
Creativity In all honesty, I can't think of too many bands (besides Psychostick ... har har har) that sport creativity like a body builder sports his muscles. We could always thank Rush for this kind of music. And Styx. And Yes. And ... to a lesser degree ... Cake. 5
Isikins-Worthy Absolutely. And by the standards set here you can hopefully see the kind of shit I'm into ... as my first review, given to a band I adore, is made up of straight 5's all across the board. :) 5
Final Verdict: 4.17


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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Isikins jabbers:

Smilie!I don't know if you've listened to 'The Bedlam in Goliath,' but I think as someone who obviously listens to Mudvayne, you could definitely listen to that album.

A friend of mine was telling me that there really is no gray area with TMV other than love them or hate them. I happen to love them. Not sure about you, but I don't think one needs to be inclined to enjoy their music to actually appreciate their talent.

It's kind of like how I feel about Sade. Beautiful rich voice with a more than capable band ... but some boring-ass music. Except for maybe 'Smooth Operator' which is actually kind of a sexy song. Sexy music is great.
March 26th 2009, 3:39 AM

pstick93 discharges:

Smilie!Awsome review! But I'm not a big fan of the mars volta
February 27th 2009, 1:08 AM