There are just some things for which no excuse is acceptable.  For example, if you're a hot chick, and Rawrb wants your boobays to be in his face, the only appropriate response is, "Here they are!"  If Psychostick wants you to come up on stage so they can make fun of you, or sing a song about you, the only acceptable response is, "Somebody help me get up on stage with these RAWK GAWDS."  If you're a hot chick, and you're invited up on stage, you should also respond, "Rawrb, would you like for my boobays to be in your face while I'm up on stage?"

Finally:

If Psychostick is touring anywhere close to your area, you must go.

Here are some excuses that don't work:

1. "I don't have a car to get down there."  Solution:  Get a friend to drive you.
2. "I don't have any friends with cars."  Solution:  Your friends suck.  Find new friends.
3. "I live on a deserted island where there is no possibility for me to make new friends."  Solution:  Make a raft out of whatever you can find on the island, and get to the mainland for the show, anyway.
4. "Seriously, I have no way to get down there."  Solution:  It's called "Public transportation."  Use it.
5. "I have to work that night."  Solution:  Work will always be in your city.  Psychostick will not.
6. "I'm bed-ridden with a serious disease."  Solution:  Put wheels on your bed.
7. "They aren't coming to my state."  Solution:  They have these things that are called "interstate highways."  Find one and use it.  Or call up your local Greyhound.
8. "I live in another country."  Solution:  Ever heard of an airplane?
9. "I have no money."  Solution:  I heard somewhere that blood banks pay for donations.
10. "I have some other reason that isn't listed above."  Solution:  SHUT UP.  Come see Psychostick play.

How far is too far to have to drive to see Psychostick?  Here's a simple formula that I came up with--using all of my math skillz learned through college-level calculus and differential equations and crap--that you can use to help you decide how far is too far to travel for a Psychostick show:

1. Find the Psychostick show that's closest to where you live.  Calculate the distance between the cardboard box where you live, and the venue where they're playing.
2. Add ten miles to the distance between the two.
3. There.  That distance is the farthest you should have to travel to see Psychostick.  Let's call this the "maximum allowable distance."
4. However, we know from step #1 that the distance you have to travel to see Psychostick is ten miles less than the maximum allowable distance, so the show is not too far away.  Freaking go already.  And, if you're a hot chick, give unto Rawrb your boobays.  They belong to him, anyway.

Fortunately for me, I didn't have to travel ten thousand miles to see Psychostick--they came on tour last Friday (August 11th) at the Engine Room in Houston.  They were preceded by three local bands, a fact that gives rise to mixed emotions.  That's bad because I had to sit through some real crap while waiting for the real thing.  However, that's also good because it gave me the chance to hang with the band before the show, and have a beer with them.

Let's see, my concise review of the three opening acts is as follows:

1. Life to Lifeless:  I was disappointed that this wasn't a vote as to whether I wished the band to be alive or... well, lifeless.  I did enjoy that the singer announced their last song with the following preface:  "This next song is our best song."  That remark leads the listener to two conclusions:  (1)  everything that preceded their "best song" is crap; and (2) their "best song" had better be their last song because, as with (1), the conclusion is that everything after the "best song" is also crap.  I suggested that Rawrb should introduce EVERY song as Psychostick's "best" song.
2. Melovine:  On the bright side, they weren't Life to Lifeless.  On the other hand, while their music didn't make me want to stab my eardrums out, their singer clearly has a Scott Stapp fetish and plays with his pretty hair too much.  Their set lasted waaaaaaay too long.
3. Anubis:  These guys were a pleasant surprise, especially given the junk they followed.  Unfortunately, their set was only like 5 songs long or some crap.  They should have gotten up on stage during Melovine--whose set lasted forever--and just grabbed their instruments from them and started their set early.  That would have brought me great joy.

Psychostick's members had informed me that the opportunity to play everyday had "greatly" improved their cohesiveness and such, so they were setting me up for a MONSTER show.

They did not disappoint.  They began with "Scrotal Torment," and their set also featured "Pluh," "Two Ton Paperweight," "ABCDeath," a cover I recognized but couldn't name, two NEW SONGS, and "In a Band to Get Chicks."  They concluded the set, not surprisingly, with "Beer," followed by a well-known crowd-pleaser that had all of the fans reminiscing to their childhood.

About their sound:  First, I couldn't be happier that they brought Vince on tour with them, if only because they now have the freedom to do a LOT MORE than they did with only one guitarrist (as amazing as Joshy may be).  "Dr. V" did his new bandmates well.  (I have to give him some props because he took the time to give me a fist-knock in between songs.  You rule, Dr. V.)  Their song is much, much fuller than it had been when I saw them a few years back.  I have only one minor complaint:  the sound guy needed to jack up Rawrb's microphone a bit.  Maybe it was the acoustics of where I was standing--f**king right up front, of course--but if I didn't already know all of the lyrics, I'd have had trouble hearing Rawrb's singing at times.

These guys f**king rule.

Not only that, but I really dig the fact that they don't take themselves too seriously.  They stuck around and signed autographs after the show.  (I had at least one girl ask me for an autograph, which startled me a bit.  I eventually stammered out some crap about how I wasn't part of the band, and stuff; had she asked me to sign her chest, however--as I've heard other girls have done on this tour--you can bet that I'd have milked it (no pun intended) for all that it was worth.  Still, though... were you not freaking watching the show?  Do I look like any of the guys that were standing up on stage?  No?  Then I'm probably not part of the band, don'tchathink?)

Also, the guys were great houseguests.  They drank my beer but--at my request--were quiet enough so that my one-year-old daughter Julia could sleep.  They cleaned up after themselves.  They put their dishes in the sink.  They were awesome.  This leads me to my next edict:

If Psychostick is coming to your town, and you've got a place where they can crash afterwards, please OFFER to let them crash at your place.  They'd REALLY, REALLY, REALLY appreciate it.

So, to re-cap:

1. Go see Psychostick, no matter what.  Travel however far you have to.
2. Let them crash at your place afterwards.
3. Give all of your available boobays to Rawrb.

That is all.

Comments!

pstick93 discharges:

if they need a place to stay in the southeastern montana region they could stay at my house. if it was okay with my parents. and if my house didn't suck. and if my house was big enough for 6 extra people.

(#1)

pstick93 discharges:

oh yeah and the new songs were probably orange and the sombrero prophecy.

(#2)

Shafty vocalizes:

Nope, the two new songs were "Jagermeister Love Song" and "Don't Eat My Food."

(#3)

pstick93 communicates:

oooh k. jagermeister isn't really that new.but i haven't heard don't eat my food, orange, or the sombrero prophecy yet. i want to though.

(#4)

PsiNyde vocalizes:

if they'd ever come to Fort Worth/Dallas, I've got the hookup for crashingness that is totally worthy.

(#5)

PsychoslutRoboT blahs:

"Don't Eat My Food" is the one i can't wait to hear haha it's gonna be heaviarrrr then evaaaar

(#6)

Scarecrow bakes:

Dude, I HATE sitting through SHITTY bands!!!

Awesome review though... I am jealous that so many people have been able to enjoy Psychostick longer than I have...

Why does Rawrb get all the boobs?! What about Mike...or Josh? Don't they need boobs, too?!

(#7)

PsychoslutRoboT conveys:

Mike gets evil boobays and Josh gets dumb Boobs. Its just that you nevar see em. They also get other stuff, they love stuff.

(#8)

tanyarh pizzas:

Shafty you are an idiot. You have no taste. You are a complete loser.

(#9)

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