Professars Shafty and Gawkman apply the "Shafty Method" to teach Kayn to drink BEER! No more clean livarr for him!
I like beer cause it is good. I drink beer because I should.
If there was a song to sing, I sing it and beer you bring.
I drink beer when I am sad 'cuz the beer it makes me glad.
Now there's nothing left to say, so let's go drink beer...
When it's warm it tastes real crappy, but cold beer will make me happy.
When I throw up on the floor, I can go and drink some more.
They say beer will make me DUMB. It are go good with pizza.
Now that we have drunk some beer, let's go drive a car.
Wisarr words ne'er spoken. The almighty THEY say that BEER is an acquired taste. Some learn to drink beer in high school, where the mantra is, "When in Rome... drink beer like everybody else or be made fun of!" In high school, of course, the point is to get drunk... not to actually taste the beer. So many people nevar acquire the taste for BEER.
Like good ol' Shafty, whose friends went out of their way to try and get him started into beer drinking--with light BEER. Light BEER, though, tastes like piss-flavored watarr. Which is basically what it is, and Shafty just couldn't abide by it.
Entarr Shafty's college roommate Craig, who spent a year abroad in England where the BEER flows like watarr. Craig took Shafty out for a night of drinking Guinness--awful stuff for somebody who doesn't like BEER. By the next day, though, Shafty had acquired the taste for BEER. Over less than 24 hours. Shafty did some research with otharr non-beer-drinkarrs, and ultimately developed the "Shafty Method" from his own experiences and research. Shafty University was founded shortly thereafter. Which is where we find ourselves today....
Welcome to Shafty University, where we teach the acquisition of the acquired taste of BEER! Please have a seat. May I offer you a complimentary pint of BEER and slice of pie? Allow me to tell you the tale of our most recent student,Kayn who, when we admitted him to the university, just detested BEER. A worthy challenge for the Shafty Method. Professar Shafty and Assistant Professar Gawkman decided to take on Kayn as a student.
We decided to begin at the Rock Bottom Brewery, where Shafty knew (from having been to other locations) there would be beer samplers (which are vital to the process for those (like ourselves) with disadvantaged wallets). So our dutiful drivarrs Bro-V and Joebob escorted us over in the BLUE CHARIOT OF TRUCKDOM to... the Uptown Brewery, because we couldn't find the Rock Bottom. Stupid Rock Bottom, not being where we thought you were, you no longer get to be the CAMPUS of BEER!
Bro-V's Blue Chariot of Livarr DEATH!
The great thing about Uptown, though, was that it had much in the way of GUUUHHHH and, occasionally, GARF! Starting with the skirtflirt up front, who had an abundance of GUUHHH! Which, as we followed her to our table, we all expressed with a all-at-once, stereo-like "GUUUHHHH!" We were seated in a booth and served by a waitress who, although she also had plenty of GUUUHHH, was none-too-happy that we would be doing nothing but drinking beer. Oh, and she got offended that we tried to order Guinness:
Hotty Waitress: Can I start you off with something to drink?
Shafty: Three Guinnesses.
Still Hotty Waitress: *offended* Why do you want Guinness? We DO have our OWN brewery here.
Shafty: Less talk, more Guinness-bringing from you.
Waitress who's getting less hot: I don't even think we have Guinness. We sometimes do... during the holidays... but I don't think we do right now.
Shafty: Why don't you be a good little girl and go check?
Clearly offended, dog waitress: I could instead bring you guys some free samples of our Stout?
Shafty: Free BEER? All is forgiven, my child. Bring us teh STOUT!
The once-again-hot waitress dutifully brought us the free beer, as all good women should, but was ultimately placed back in the doggyhouse of DOOM when she banished us to the patio because we refused to buy food. I suppose she saw a lesser amount of tippage if we were to order no food. How dumb, how dumb she was based on the amount of beer we ultimately drank.
Shafty: "Hey baby, welcome to NOTIPSFORYOUville. Population: YOU!"
But all was well, because our NEW waitress (dubbed "Caroline" by others but "GUUUUHHH!" by us) had far more GUUUUHHHH-value.
Here's generally the way the Shafty method works (although the method cannot easily be replicated simply by reading this review; the expertise of Professar Shafty (and Assistant Professar Gawkman) is needed to tweak the method according to the student's particular needs):
In our case, since Guinness was not to be found, we decided upon STOUT. In this case, Uptown's "Skyline Stout":
Uptown's description: "The darkest beer on the menu. This beer is silky smooth, very full bodied, and finishes with a sweet, distinctly malty flavor. Made with 11 different malts, this ale has coffee, chocolate and roasty flavors. Carbonated like Guinness for a thick, creamy head. Sinfully delicious!"
Think that's bravado you see? Nope--that's FEAR of teh STOUT!!!!
Shafty: "Hmm... this is pretty good stuff!" (Gawkman agrees). "Okay, Robbah, I need your analysis of Stout for the review."
Kayn: *sips, makes sour face*
Kayn's response: "POOP!!!!"
To his credit, though, after (1) numerous grimaces, (2) attempts to pour his remaining Stout into Gawkman's glass and, finally, (3) futile ANGRY DEMANDS that the stout should DIE with MURDARR (which it disobediently refused to do), Robbah finished the entire pint of stout:
A relieved Kayn finishes the STOUT with anotharr grimace, then rejoices!
Not much time to celebrate in the Shafty method, though, which relies on the student's having to move immediately on so that the memory of the STOUT nevar fades! Next up: the Uptown offered tasters of three different kinds of beer. Our second through fourth beers featured the Oktoberfest Lager, Harvester's Rye and Belgian White. How'd Robbah do?
Oktoberfest Lager: "A traditional German style lager, amber in color and malty and sweet in flavor. This beer has little to no bitterness and is very mild on the palate. The German Oktoberfest celebration held in Munich is the biggest beer party in the world. Uptown Brewery features an Oktoberfest celebration every October with authentic German food being served."
Kayn: "Less POOP!!!"
Harvester's Rye: "Canadian rye gives this beer its body. Amber in color, this beer is light with a hoppy character. You will like this one, see for yourself."
Kayn: "Ehhh.... not bad."
Belgian White: "This is a superb summer beer with a light barley malt character, accented by a liberal use of wheat malt in the recipe. The traditional Belgian Wit or White beer as it is known in the U.S. has low to medium hop bitterness and flavor. Orange peel, and coriander spices, along with a Belgian yeast strain gives this beer a distinctive light flavor that refreshes."
Kayn: "Pretty good!" (See, the Shafty method works.)
Having now consumed two and a third pints of beer on an empty stomach, Kayn announced to us that he was loaded and unable to drink any further. However, the Shafty program accepts no quittars! Therefore, Gawkman and I decided that we should order teh food so that the intoxicating effects of the beer upon Kayn would be lessened by the consumption of food and the passage of time! While we awaited the eventual arrival of food, Kayn took a call on his cell phone from Crackalishis, who was to meet us for more BEER drinking after we returned to Kayn's apartment. Kayn, in apparent response to a "How are you doin' cracka?" question, announced to Crackalishis, Gawkman, Shafty and, hell, the entire patio:
"I needs teh BOOBAYS NOW! They should be in my face!"
Many chuckles from surrounding tables ensued. And BOOBAYS indeed arrived in the form of waitress who brought FOOD! After suitable eating of food, we ordered the next set of samples: Big Apple Red Ale, Pale Ale and Blonde Ale. Robbah's response to each? New York's Big Apple Red Ale: "Probably our best known beer. A malty and fall bodied ate with a rich brick-red color. The Red contains caramel malted barley which tends it a smooth, almost sweet flavor. This is the perfect beer for someone who wants a beer that is full bodied but not bitter and not too heavy. Very popular!"
Gawkman: *takes a sip, makes a face* "This SUCKS!"
Robbah: *takes a sip, makes a face* "This is SHIT!!!!"
Shafty: *drinks half his beer, makes a face* "Indeed. This has PISS-POOR written all over it. We'll move on."
Central Park Pale Ale: "This is a medium bodied beer with a deep copper color. It is aggressively hopped with Columbus, Chinook and Cascade hops, all of which give this beer an extremely hoppy flavor and aroma."
Kayn: "Eehhh.... very normal."
Uptown Blonde: "Straw colored and the lightest-bodied beer on our menu. This ale has a malty body, mild hoppiness & high carbonation so it is ideal for guests who are unfamiliar with brewpub beer."
Kayn: "Pretty good!"
After finishing the Uptown Blonde in a respectably short amount of time (Kayn included), the waitress's bill was paid (with extra TIPPAGE just to show earlier waitress what she missed out on) and the BLUE CHARIOT OF DOOM returned the professars and student back to Kayn's apartment for follow-up BEER studies. In this case, the second semester of studies at Shafty U.:
Chaffeurs/accomplices in Livarr DESTRUCTSHUN!!
A brewery is always a good place to hold Beer 101, particularly because the student is going to be trying many different kinds of beer. Yet who would want to buy a six-pack of STOUT, let alone every other kind of beer the student is forced to try? Well, the professars at the university, probably... but a six-pack of STOUT would be wasted on the student.
So we returned to Kayn's apartment, which we had already pre-stocked with several different kinds of BEER... including Heineken, Newcastle Brown Ale, Fat Tire Amber Ale, Shiner Bock and some sort of pale ale whose name escapes me at the moment. There we settled in for a long evening of yelling, loud music, BEER, attempts to obtain BOOBAYS and other random stuff. Kayn succeeded in drinking three-quarters of one beer, and half of another, before the beers became warm and undrinkable. (He was but a sophomore student then, and warm-beer-drinking is really more a part of the senior level curriculum.) Yet he was able to amaze us all with his drunken powarrs:
Either a substandard human... or a brilliant beast!
We were also joined by otharr veteran BEER drinkarrs, such as:
Some random guy and his womayunn!
And all were impressed by Kayn's feats of drunken strength, and otharrs decided to show their own powarrs:
Bro-V shows his breaking and entarring powarrs, Random Mayunn demonstrates his ability to go apeshit, and Mike displays his cheering-from-a-safe-distance wondarrs! ROAWR!!!
Then we had additional exciting adventures, such as trying to convince Kayn to go after a pair of BOOBAYS that lived in a nearby apartment, stimulating philosophical discussions with some guys who had just scored some weed, and having a guy named Tony invite us to his party, then threaten to shoot us in the FACE with one of his many guns if we even dared to contemplate stealing one of his XBOX games. Ah, good times. Then Professar Gawkman displayed some suparr-powarrs of his own!
It may not look like a suparr powarr, but wait until you witness his ability to sleep through a screeching alarm clock!
The very next evening after class, our student had aced his first examination, having consumed an entire Newcastle Brown Ale with his pork chops. Professarr Gawkman supervised the exam, and has confirmed the account. So this is where we are, at present. Since then, our prized pupil has reported that he has been drinking beer at will, substituting it for the normal fluids that are required to sustain life. This is excellent work to expect from one who has only 24 hours of college behind him.
We are also pleased to report that Student Kayn has moved on to other beers besides the Newcastle, consuming an entire Fat Tire Amber Ale during the authoring of his Pluhbabe review. This is usually coursework that we expect to see from senior students, whose curriculum includes "Drinking Beer at Church and Other Social Gatherings," so our student is progressing well. With a little more practice, he should be ready to graduate to his senior coursework!
Aha. The final hurdle to achieving one's diploma from Shafty U. Drinking well-refrigerated BEER, or BEER that has been served in a frosted glass, is definitely the preferred course of action in fine American universities such as Shafty U. However, the Europeans are from a different school of thought, and it is vitally important that a graduate from Shafty U. be able to use the skills he learned at fine drinking establishments around the world.
As such, the most complicated course of undergraduate study is learned in BEER 401. In this course we expect that student Kayn will learn to appreciate the inherent pleasant taste of BEER no matter its temperature. 'Tis not the sort of study that one may cram for; instead, the student learns to hone his warm-temperature skills over time, as he develops a real taste for BEER. Student Kayn has demonstrated great skill and devotion to his studies, and we have the highest expectations that, by the time of the Psychostick CD Release party early next year, Kayn will be ready to receive his diploma from Shafty University!
Of course, undergraduate studies are only the beginning at Shafty U., where we also offer a complete graduate program for those who wish to obtain their BEERMASTER's degrees and, quite possibly, learn to instruct other reluctant individuals to appreciate the intrinsic benefits of BEER. For our graduate students, therefore, we offer the following additional courses of study:
Interested in attending Shafty U.? Think you've got what it takes? Submit your application below under the "Comments" section!
|Fun Factor||Even more fun than getting burned at the stake!||5|
|Dumbness Level||Teaching otharrs to kill their brain cells is DUMB!||4.5|
|Laugh Level||WHEEE! BEER + GUUUHHH!!||4.5|
|Boredom Fix-ness||BEER= years of boredom-killing!||5|
|Final Verdict: 4.75|