Shafty creates a drinking game for the rest of us, and writes a really stupid review to describe it. Don't blame him; it's Murph's fault somehow.
Sometimes I hate reading old reviews, particularly those that were written when I was first promoted from the rank of "peon user" to "godlike person whom all respect and admire and wish to be." This John Madden Drinking Game review falls into that loathsome "I just can't abide by how stupid this sounds" category. I think the point of this is to proclaim my brilliance at having found yet another reason to get trashed while playing video games, and to make fun of people who don't like football. Without further ado, here comes the crap:
Just call 'ol Shafty the George Costanza 'o gaming. Shafty Costanza? No, he's not short, fat, or balding. No, he doesn't live with his parents. No, he was not fired from any job for having sex with the cleaning lady. Nor was he traded by the New York Yankees for a load of Tyson chicken. Okay, maybe it was a bad analogy, I'M DUMB!! But, like George, Shafty likes Food. And Television. And Sex. All at the same time! In fact, Shafty officially decrees that stuff at the same time does not suck. Some combined stuff, in fact, is even less sucky than the sum of its respective parts' unsuckiness. Like peanut butter and jelly, with the crusts cut off like Mom used to make. (EDITAR'S NOTE: Only Arkansans, Nebraskans, and West Virginians may insert the phrase "Mmm, Mom....") Or chips and queso! Or... beer and video games! (The sound of a train wreck crashing into a really bad segueway is heard.) Announcing...
(EDITAR'S NOTE: Actual quote may not have been said by John Madden.)
Just like the Flaming Homer, Teh John Madden n' Friends Drinking Game was born out of desperation. While stranded in his college dorm room during the dead of winter, with no functional heater (which the school shut off in all the dorms during the holidays), Shafty had to find something to do to stave off the hobgoblins of insanity. Many would say that he failed to accomplish that purpose but, to those people, Shafty says YER DUMB!!!
Armed with only a SNES and a refrigerator full of tasty ambrosia-like yet frostbite-inducing beer, Shafty and his best friend Bill waged the war to end all other wars, that is, the mother of all wars, a BATTLE ROYALE of Madden '94 the likes of which have ne'er agin been witnessed by the eyes of man! Naturally (or else this story would not see the light of day), Shafty emerged victorious, having whomped the less-skilled Bill like the dog he was, 51-20. HAR HAR FLAAWWLSES VIKTOYR!!1 Bill was less pleased with the asswhomp than was Shafty, however, and insisted upon "handicapping" the next game. With beer! Yay! And thus, a new drinking game arose from the ashes of the ash-above-mentioned ashwhooping! Ash!
In video game football, there are lots of ways you can suck:
"Hah, I aer teh Secret Double Agent, I now takes teh ball you throws me!"
"Teh insignificant act of crossing taht line means YOU DRINK SIGNIFICANTLY! Hah!"
And so on, and so on... And sucky things can happen in combinations, meaning more drinks! Like...
Maybe football isn't your thing. You grew up playing with dolls on Sunday afternoon, then watching an oh-so-pitifully-unfunny Bob Saget on "America's Most Mildly Amusing Concocted Videos For, in Truth, How Many Times Does One's Swimsuit Really Fall Off while Diving Off the Diving Board While the Pool Cover is On?"...
Ha ha ha ha! Fear not for, despite your un-Americanness, you too shall get drunk, my friend! For this game easily extends itself to other situations, such as...
This one's pretty easy to figure out, naturally! If your proverbial ash (TEE HEE) is kicked, umm...(*insert clevar saying somehow involving the words "ash," "kick" and "drink"*)
Of course, you can't stop the game to force your opponent to drink every time you land an insignificant little girly Chun Li jab, so save it for important stuff so that you can combine your instructions to drink with clevar witticisms such as...
"Hah, Zangief, meets teh ground as I slams you there! Do my bidding, for I makes you mah bitch! Drink taht beer, then bakes me a cake, bitch!"
"Hah, eat teh Sonic Kick, for youse is mah prostitute, sissy Russian! I wins, by FLAAWWLSES VIKTOYR!!1 DRINK until I says to stop, you HUSSY!"
And so on, and so forth. Rinse, lather, repeat. End up drunk, then hungover the next morning, but the undeniable CHAMPION 'O TEH RELATIVELY UNOCCUPIED REALM OF "VIDEO GAME & BEER PLACE!!!!
*sigh* I told you it was stupid.
|Fun Factor||Beer + video games.||5|
|Dumbness Level||Very very dumb.||4|
|Laugh Level||Allows the spouting of creative witticisms taunting yer opponent.||4|
|Boredom Fix-ness||Beer + Video games. What more could be said?||5|
|Creativity||Shafty created it, so it's creative as hell.||5|
|Final Verdict: 4.6|