Shafty creates a drinking game for the rest of us, and writes a really stupid review to describe it. Don't blame him; it's Murph's fault somehow.

Sometimes I hate reading old reviews, particularly those that were written when I was first promoted from the rank of "peon user" to "godlike person whom all respect and admire and wish to be." This John Madden Drinking Game review falls into that loathsome "I just can't abide by how stupid this sounds" category. I think the point of this is to proclaim my brilliance at having found yet another reason to get trashed while playing video games, and to make fun of people who don't like football. Without further ado, here comes the crap:

Just call 'ol Shafty the George Costanza 'o gaming. Shafty Costanza? No, he's not short, fat, or balding. No, he doesn't live with his parents. No, he was not fired from any job for having sex with the cleaning lady. Nor was he traded by the New York Yankees for a load of Tyson chicken. Okay, maybe it was a bad analogy, I'M DUMB!! But, like George, Shafty likes Food. And Television. And Sex. All at the same time! In fact, Shafty officially decrees that stuff at the same time does not suck. Some combined stuff, in fact, is even less sucky than the sum of its respective parts' unsuckiness. Like peanut butter and jelly, with the crusts cut off like Mom used to make. (EDITAR'S NOTE: Only Arkansans, Nebraskans, and West Virginians may insert the phrase "Mmm, Mom....") Or chips and queso! Or... beer and video games! (The sound of a train wreck crashing into a really bad segueway is heard.) Announcing...

Teh John Madden n' Friends Drinking Game!

(EDITAR'S NOTE: Actual quote may not have been said by John Madden.)

Beer is the mother of invention. Who's the father, then, Cartman's mom? HAH!

Just like the Flaming Homer, Teh John Madden n' Friends Drinking Game was born out of desperation. While stranded in his college dorm room during the dead of winter, with no functional heater (which the school shut off in all the dorms during the holidays), Shafty had to find something to do to stave off the hobgoblins of insanity. Many would say that he failed to accomplish that purpose but, to those people, Shafty says YER DUMB!!!

Armed with only a SNES and a refrigerator full of tasty ambrosia-like yet frostbite-inducing beer, Shafty and his best friend Bill waged the war to end all other wars, that is, the mother of all wars, a BATTLE ROYALE of Madden '94 the likes of which have ne'er agin been witnessed by the eyes of man! Naturally (or else this story would not see the light of day), Shafty emerged victorious, having whomped the less-skilled Bill like the dog he was, 51-20. HAR HAR FLAAWWLSES VIKTOYR!!1 Bill was less pleased with the asswhomp than was Shafty, however, and insisted upon "handicapping" the next game. With beer! Yay! And thus, a new drinking game arose from the ashes of the ash-above-mentioned ashwhooping! Ash!

Bill: "You ran up the score, you ASH-HOLE!"

In video game football, there are lots of ways you can suck:

  • Fumbling teh ball
  • Throwing teh ball to teh sneaky guy who not wears teh same jersey as you

"Hah, I aer teh Secret Double Agent, I now takes teh ball you throws me!"

  • Getting sacked
  • Having teh fans boo you after you get sacked
  • Having John Madden make fun of you after you get sacked
  • Having teh sackAR dance upon teh corpse of teh sackEE
  • Giving up teh first down
  • Having John Madden compliment your opponent after teh first down
  • Missing extra points
  • Having the fans cheer your opponent for getting teh first down
  • Giving up teh touchdown

"Teh insignificant act of crossing taht line means YOU DRINK SIGNIFICANTLY! Hah!"

And so on, and so on... And sucky things can happen in combinations, meaning more drinks! Like...

  1. Sacked- DRINK!
  2. Sacked for more than 10 yards- DRINK MORE!
  3. SackAR dances joyfully at his accomplishments- DRINK MOST!
  4. Madden says, "Boy, you don't want to take too many of those!"- DRINK MOSTEST!


  1. Gave up teh First Down- DRINK!
  2. Gave up more than 20 yards in one play- DRINK AGAIN!
  3. Crowd cheers your opponent- "DRINK DRINK DRINK TEAM!"
  4. Madden says, "WOW! That's big-time football!"- Shafty says, "Hah, Madden likes me better, now YOU DRINK!"

Maybe football isn't your thing. You grew up playing with dolls on Sunday afternoon, then watching an oh-so-pitifully-unfunny Bob Saget on "America's Most Mildly Amusing Concocted Videos For, in Truth, How Many Times Does One's Swimsuit Really Fall Off while Diving Off the Diving Board While the Pool Cover is On?"...

Ha ha ha ha! Fear not for, despite your un-Americanness, you too shall get drunk, my friend! For this game easily extends itself to other situations, such as...

Teh Street Fighting Persons Drinking Game!

This one's pretty easy to figure out, naturally! If your proverbial ash (TEE HEE) is kicked, umm...(*insert clevar saying somehow involving the words "ash," "kick" and "drink"*)

Of course, you can't stop the game to force your opponent to drink every time you land an insignificant little girly Chun Li jab, so save it for important stuff so that you can combine your instructions to drink with clevar witticisms such as...

"Hah, Zangief, meets teh ground as I slams you there! Do my bidding, for I makes you mah bitch! Drink taht beer, then bakes me a cake, bitch!"


Eat foot.
"Hah, eat teh Sonic Kick, for youse is mah prostitute, sissy Russian! I wins, by FLAAWWLSES VIKTOYR!!1 DRINK until I says to stop, you HUSSY!"

And so on, and so forth. Rinse, lather, repeat. End up drunk, then hungover the next morning, but the undeniable CHAMPION 'O TEH RELATIVELY UNOCCUPIED REALM OF "VIDEO GAME & BEER PLACE!!!!

*sigh* I told you it was stupid.


Category Comment Rating
Fun Factor Beer + video games. 5
Dumbness Level Very very dumb. 4
Laugh Level Allows the spouting of creative witticisms taunting yer opponent. 4
Boredom Fix-ness Beer + Video games. What more could be said? 5
Creativity Shafty created it, so it's creative as hell. 5
Final Verdict: 4.6


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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Pain in my anus (Guest) declares:

Smilie!Or you can get your X-Box modified although finding the way thru the fuggin menu's sucksh!

Blondeaux bakes:

Smilie!Damnit how come I never saw this before!!!! This is genius!! I still have madden 95 somewhere and NHL 94( the best evar) If you hit the puck hard enough, it breaks the glass!! I must find a SNES!!!

polyana (Guest) absolves:

Smilie!hey i am polyan hi

Ronald Likovic (Guest) declares:

Smilie!JJ is highly original and an asset to all things non faggot-like!*

*May include sarcasm.

jj (Guest) says in non-morse code:

Smilie!this fucking sucks you faggs

Phat-C plutoniums:

Smilie!And who can ferget the infamous line from Empire Strikes Back...

VADER: Luke, I'm yer father.
PUKE: That's not true... that's imossible!
VADER: Join me, punk.
PUKE: I'll never join you!

Phat-C discharges:

Smilie!I can only imagine what a Fenglish (TM) drinking game would entail... be on ash in matter of seconds. Last comment before back hits floor: "Nnnneeeeeaaaaaatttttt...." BAM! Passed out drunk on floor in freezing COLD dorm room at Hanson - place with Psychotic Light Fixtures plagued with Edison's Curse! I am forever condemned to be laughed at b/c of thing beyond my control! Life sucks = one big NEAT!

Shafty conveys:

Smilie!And I think that the quote "But I was going to Tashi station to pick up some power converters," by itself, requires the complete chugging of an entire pint. Lew and I had a similar drinking game, the "Drink Every Time Yoda Uses Bad Grammar" Drinking Game. Also a classic.

Phat-C forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!Don't ferget, Shafty, of the orignialist game of all. Game created by us... Star Wars Luke Whines Drinking Game. Oh, yes, you remember now. Game where when Luke Whines, DRINK! Drunkennessheseas by 30 minute mark of movie. YEah.