Shafty finally recovers the long-lost movie review he submitted that earned him his EDITAR position. Pay attention, would-be editars. Oh, and Gawkman... duck.

So I owe my woman. That's what she says, at any rate. Seems she didn't enjoy Lord of the Rings as much as I did. So, as horrible retribution for my inability to prognosticate the future, I am dragged to "A Beautiful Mind." 'Cuz no beer and no sex makes Shafty something something. So why, you ask, didn't I want to see this flick? Well, it has the word "beautiful" in its title. That almost always means "artsy." Yeah, same thing with "mind." So basically the movie, translated into guyspeak, means "An artsy art." It lacked all the indicators of a good movie, such as "Final," "Deathblow," "Sexy Naughty Nurses," "Death Burger," or "Kung Pow." "But," you say, "it had Russell Crowe in it." And I say WHO THE HELL'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?

Seriously, you suck. See, Russell Crowe's movies are hit-or-miss. Yeah, Gladiator was acceptable, but Ridley Scott directed that one. Ridley Scott could even make "Glitter" into something worth seeing. Well, maybe not. At any rate, this movie bears Ron Howard's odious stamp of weakness. About the same time as this movie, Crowe also "acted in" another movie that was very yawn-able... um, the one where the tabloids all say he was banging Meg Ryan. Which shows a lot about his taste in women... older, married, used-to-be-attractive-but-whose-stock-has-dropped-due-to-being-in-so-many-romantic-comedies-with-no-great-boob-scenes. Seriously, Meg Ryan needs to volunteer for something like:

Strippers 4: Attack of the Crazed Topless Broads with Big Boobays

But I digress. So I, your less-than-humble correspondent, went along... but dammit, I couldn't find my "make bad movies better" flask. Ahh, flask, where are you? Shafty cannot stomach the endless parade of awful movies without you! Fortunately, there was at least minimal comic amusement to be had. We ended up going to the "ghetto central" theater down the Beltway from Shafty's crib, much to the chagrin of one of Shafty's white-bread friends who spent much of the time muttering about rap music, doo-rags and how much he hated that f**king place. WHEE! My worst fears were confirmed. No gratuitous visits to the strip joint. No real violence to speak of. (Beating one's wife doesn't really count.) I mean, the man plays a mathematician, dammit! Where's the excitement in that? But wait! He is in fact a MAD mathematician! Aha! He'll attack you with NUMBARS!

Crazy Math Guy: Here comes that guy Gawkman! I loathe him, particularly because he's so damn bad at forgetting to post news, and it's that daily Pluh.com news post that I need to thrive. I shall kill him by throwing this rock at him! I shall begin by calculating the precise weight of this rock! Then I shall determine the proper arc and acceleration to utilize! And the wind speed and direction! And the drag coefficient caused by this rock's being uneven!

Gawkman: For some reason, I shall stand here in this same spot for several minutes while he completes his calculations, entirely unaware that I am about to meet my doom!

Crazy Math Guy: Finally! My calculations are complete! Die, wretch!

*throws rock* *rock falls pitifully short*

Crazy Math Guy: What?!? My calculations were perfect! Why didn't he fall down and die?

Gawkman: *walks over* Here, let me help. *looks at scribbling* Aha, here's your problem. You have assumed, for the purposes of your calculations, that you have average arm strength. However, you have dedicated your life to studying math instead of working out or even paying basic attention to nutrition and health, and your arm is woefully weak. That's why you missed.

Crazy Math Guy: *picks up another rock, hits Gawkman with it*

*Gawkman crumples to ground*

Yeah, crazy math guys are cool. Unfortunately, this mathematician's insanity is the subtle sort of madness. He doesn't wear a hockey mask and hack up hotties at a slumber party in the woods. No, our mild-mannered mathematician's insanity is manifested solely in "I see dead people" stuff. Actually, "I see people who don't exist, and they talk to me and sometimes we bake cookies together." But all that really happens is that people look at him weird because he talks to people who don't exist. Or are they? HAH! If you want to know the answer, see the movie! ("If I'm going down, I'm taking some of youse guys with me!") The worst part of the movie is that it's really about HIS WIFE, and her efforts to love him and help him sort out his madness. And they succeed, dammit! You remember that scene at the end of Happy Gilmore where he wins the tour championship and waves to Chubbs, the alligator and Abraham Lincoln in the sky? This one rips off of that scene at the end! Ron Howard is a filthy thief! THIEF! THIEF! FILTHY HOWARDSES, WE HATES HIM SO MUCH GOLLUMSSESS!!11

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Originality Where are the BOOBAYS? 3
Acting Not very realistic, because no photographers were harmed by Russell Crowe during the making of this film. 2.5
0
Effects/Presentation Effects? BAH AHAHAHARHAHAR RA!!! 2.5
Storyline It's actually an inspirational movie for women. RUN AWAY! 2
0
Final Verdict: 2.5

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Rawrb says in non-morse code:

Smilie!I wanna see this! HA AHA HA HAHAH AHFAWER
August 11th 2008, 6:59 AM

Rawrb forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!Ninja?

chigger happy (Guest) jabbers:

Smilie!thats wales, mate. the welsh love the small cock and sheep shaggers. you'd like it there.

England Boy (Guest) communicates:

Smilie!I shag sheep with my 2 inch dick because im from england

Russel Crowe (Guest) blahs:

Smilie!I was in a movie with Meg Ryan! It was terrible!

Rawrb conveys:

Smilie!I think punctuation should be a requirement for people that touch computars.

simon (Guest) bakes:

Smilie!i think i need to go whipe my little ass monkeys of the crevis of my dark brown cave back in 10

simon (Guest) conveys:

Smilie!hee hee i want it a piece

Shafty yammers:

Smilie!Holy crap. I complain about Meg Ryan not being in enough boobay scenes, and then see this news: "Meg Ryan to do extensive nudity and "graphic sex scenes" in 'In the Cut', an erotic thriller from Jane Campion." My complaints are all coming true! Hmmm...
You know what sucks? Not enough Aria Giovanni boobays in Shafty's presence!

Rawrb verbalizes:

Smilie!BOOBAYS NEED INSPIRATION TO BE IN MY FACE
Run away from artsy art!
Crazy Mathematician Guy!
Russell Crowe uses complicated math to calculate the number of photographers he will attack today.
Ron Howard is responsible for this abomination.