Look here! Yeah you. HAWR HAR HAWHAHAH..made you look. Well, while you're here, check out my review of Constantine.

Holy Keanu!

Let me just take a minute to say that although Keanu started off playing stupids in movies like Bill & Ted's and Parenthood, he's made a fine transition to drama roles. Can he be the next Tom Hanks? pffft...FOR STUPID! No. However, he has become an icon and spawned a generation of uber dorks wearing expensive sun glasses and black trench coats believing that The Matrix REALLY IS out there. But that's ok, cause they weren't ever going to see teh BOOBAYS anyways...

Disclaimer

This movie makes constant religious references. The Bible, the spear that killed Jebus, the rise of Lucifer as ruler of Earth, bleh bleh bleh. If this bores you, I suggest you use the time to go pee or bleh yourself to death via Pluh's forums...

What is THIS you say?

John Constantine [Keanu Reeves] is a condemned man on earth exAARcising half-demons from humans in an attempt to gain redemption from God and get a ticket into heaven. pffft, like any of us need that! Angela Dodson [Rachel Weisz] is a cop who's twin sister Isabel supposedly killed herself, and she's conviced that it was murdAAR. She finds Constantine and recruits his help to find answers.


Keanu's preparing for his next film...Dilbert.

Full of Dangaar!...much like your bowels!

While walking the earth, Constantine finds himself facing demons on a regular basis, fighting them off with the help of a priest, some religious thingies, some booze and lots of cigs. He makes a few trips to Hell via a cat and some water and a chair from Sing-Sing. Don't ask me who thought these conduits would make sense, but hey, it sure looked cool.


Hell's demons are jealous because he found Teh Golden Ticket!

Oh, and the golden cricifix-ladden crossbow shooting vials of holy water was TEH BOMB!

"AAARRR, back Ashlee Simson...errr...demons! Or you shall receive the golden spray of DEATH!"

The Skinny

The cinematography was pretty choice. The definately used some spiffy angles to make the movie that much more like the comic book scenes, and the special effects were pretty tasty. Overall, I think the movie was a success. It has it's dark moments and a few chuckles. Peter Stormare makes an impact as Satan and really pulls the whole thing together.

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Originality Meh...classic Good vs. Evil type flick. 3
Acting Not much range, but still werd-ee 4
Soundtrack Hey, A Perfect Circle is on it. Need I say more? 4
Effects/Presentation Wikkid effects and camera angles. 5
Storyline Well written with some nice flowage. 4
Keanu-ism Not-So-Sweet November was rude, crude and kicked demon arse! RAWR!! 5
Final Verdict: 4.17

Comments!

blog comments powered by Disqus
The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Rawrb evaporates:

Smilie!Test AGAIN!
August 11th 2008, 6:59 AM

Rawrb conveys:

Smilie!Rawrb is texting his test.
August 11th 2008, 6:58 AM

Pain in my anus (Guest) jabbers:

Smilie!Sasha I got something kinda long but not to boring for u ;-)

Pete communicates:

Smilie!sasha said:I thought it was too long. Kinda boring, the whole time all I could think of was how hot the guy next to me was, he was wearing this hott red jacket, and damn I wanted his nuts. Now Im horny just thinking about it.... So, you were on his nuts like a starving squirrel? Alright! Now where are the boobays?

PsiNyde vocalizes:

Smilie!well i hope you are a fem RAWR!....nuts...

Sasha conveys:

Smilie!I thought it was too long. Kinda boring, the whole time all I could think of was how hot the guy next to me was, he was wearing this hott red jacket, and damn I wanted his nuts. Now Im horny just thinking about it....
he likes teh cansarrr
the room of doom
Duh-Bert
he's got teh golden ticket!