Once again, a movie that looks really cool somehow ends up not being so! That's all I have time to say... back to kicking myself in the ass for thinking a movie would actually live up to the hype.

Every review begins with one thing: an opening statement. This is that statement.

After hearing several mediocre reviews on Hellboy, Kayn and I said, "Man, that sounds good! Let's go see it!"

Why did we do this? Because like most movie goers out there, we were sucked in by the movie preview. Like so many others out there we thought, "I don't care what anyone says, there's no way this movie can be bad!" Then after the movie, I wanted to see the trailer again to make sure I'd seen the right movie.

I've been doing this for years, and after being frustrated for the last time, I figured I'd make a "movie preview accuracy" table.

If the movie preview...  Then...
Looks terrible The movie will be terrible.
Is formulaic, uses trendy music, and has predictable moments The movie will also be terrible.
Looks pretty good The movie will be mediocre.
Looks like it will kickass The movie will also be mediocre, but seem worse because you are disappointed.
Looks so-so It's a wildcard. It can range from total horsesh*t to the greatest movie of the decade.

There must be a reason for this pattern. My current theory is that even though we're told that a movie costs millions to make, only a fraction of it goes to the actual filming and production to make it a good movie. The rest (at least 70% by my guestimation) is spent on making a movie trailer to make the movie LOOK like it's good. After all, you can't know that it's bad until you've seen it, and then they've already gotten your money.

Fairly-kinda-pretty-good.

If you know me, then you'll know that the things I hate more than anything in the world are not bad, but average. Guess what: fairly-kind-pretty-good is the worst kind of average there is. At least with a bad movie, song, poem, restaurant (etc), you walk away REMEMBERING the experience. You have something to talk about. There's not really that much to tell you about Hellboy. Some stuff happens; sometimes interesting, mostly cliche'. The characters are... there. They did, uh, things.

Significant things that are significant!

One of the villains is pretty cool. He uses knives in a cool way. He's one of those "I cannot be caught, hurt, or killed by anyone except the hero of this movie" bad guys. Hellboy looks pretty cool. He has these crazy lines in his arm. He also eats A LOT. Yay for lots of eating!

Not-so-great things that I remembered.

Ummmm, there are some pretty lame lines that Hellboy says. There's a delicate balance that is rarely acheived in action movies, and it lies between the one-sidedness of the character either being so awesome and unmatched that they never getting hurt at all (Undersiege, Batman), or the heros always having the crap beat out of them because they forget they have badass super weapons/skills of doom or just don't use them (X-men, Spawn). This is one of those "hero keeps getting the crap beat out of him" movies. It leaves you thinking, "C'mon... I thought you were supposed to be all BAD!"

Rent the movie. Or rent another movie.

I suggest saving your money for it to come out on video. Or not, and use that money for BEER!

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Originality Another comic book movie that fails. 3
Acting No complaints. 3
Soundtrack I remember not much from it. 3
Effects/Presentation A few decent effects, especially at the beginning. 3.5
Storyline Something about a bad guy summoning demons or something. 2.5
0
Final Verdict: 3

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Rawrb conveys:

Smilie!Text! WOW!
November 8th 2008, 1:55 AM

Rawrb plutoniums:

Smilie!Rawrb is sexy and amazing!
November 8th 2008, 1:55 AM

Shadow (Guest) evaporates:

Smilie!But I must say, the only thing I remember about the movie is the super-sexy-assasin-nazi-guy ... he was awesome.

Rambo (Guest) absolves:

Smilie!it was hell of hell boy

King Controversy (Guest) blahs:

Smilie!All comic book movies are terrible. It's all a waste of time for morons.

Rawrb discharges:

Smilie!... from HELL!

Porn Monkey declares:

Smilie!HAHA he's just a BOY

pharmecopia declares:

Smilie!i like it mucho

BurlapBag (Guest) un-shut-ups:

Smilie!the one liners in this movie sucked. and the romance was lame. but the girl was kinda hot!

Rawrb blahs:

Smilie!Har har! Josh didn't enter a score!
I use this awesome weapon. Sometimes!
I'm the smart, yet un-tough one!
I hit badguys with my badass, solid-stone fist. Sometimes!
I had absolutely nothing to do with this review or movie!

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