Gawkman man reviews the movie! He never read the books! He's a loser!

You've probably read in the realm of two-hundred-thousand reviews about Return Of the King, maybe even written a dozen yourself. You've probably even debated on messageboards against others' opinion on the movie. Hell, you probably already found a way to download the movie and burn it to DVD and have seen it more times than you've read movie reviews.

So, what's different about this review? Why should you read this review? What's so special about this review? Well, I'll tell you what's special about this review:


Yes, my review offers a pic of a nice looking pizza, therefore proving it's superiority to other reviews. Not that my already superior opinion needs to be proven of it's superiority - but some people just need a reminder.

It was opening day, and we went and saw a movie called "Return of the King". Unlike all the other arrogant nerds proud to pick the movie apart because they left out the most insignificant details, I never read the books, and I likely never will! That puts me on the level of common everyday mainstream sheep, for if the Lord Of the Rings series didn't have such hype for it, I may not have seen it.

Oh well.

The movie.

So, from a haven't-read-the-book perspective, how was the movie?

First, I have to be honest that I thought the first two in the series were just "really good", as opposed to "best movie ever" or "mention of the movie's name causes multiple orgasms". The third in the series, however, ripped my face off. Talk about climax.

So much CARNAGE!

As expected, there are battle scenes in this movie - and they are hands down the most in-yer-face army-versus-army battle scenes that I have ever seen. So much RAAAAWWWRRR! The kind of battle scenes that make you want to start a mosh pit even though there's not music. I've never seen a movie that makes me want to mosh like at a concert.

Plot Summary

Frodo, Sam, and Gollum get closer and closer to Mt. Doom, and the closer they get, the more hopeless it seems. You know how it is, when the situation is like, "Man, there's just no WAY they can make it! Even though this is a movie, I'm going to go and bet my entire life savings on the demise of these hobbits!"

Mordor attacks. Other stuff happens. WHEE!

Some comments/observations (which are cleverly worded to avoid spoilers (as if you haven't seen this movie (yay, nested parenthesis (inside the nested parenthesis!) ).) )

  • Hobbits aren't useless afterall!
  • Still no magic. C'mon Gandalf... WHERE'S NUKE OR WHITE?!?
  • When you hear a pebble fall, LOOK UP.
  • No cannonballs or projectiles? THROW BUILDING!
  • When did they choose Sloth as their general?
  • The undead are GREEN! Although, shouldn't they be YELLOW?!? HAR HAR HAR!
  • Killing your children is an expression of love!
  • I'm thirsty.


Category Comment Rating
Originality Well, the series did spawn RPGs as we know them... 5
Acting Pretty solid. 4.5
Soundtrack Good. 4
Effects/Presentation Jaw-dropping scenes of DOOM! 5
Storyline Good plot progression, great solution to it all! 4.5
Final Verdict: 4.67


blog comments powered by Disqus
The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Pain in my anus (Guest) verbalizes:

Smilie!I jacked off when the Oliphant things charged that horse force that busted all up on the filthy orcses.

GlassSoul blahs:

Smilie!I am one of those hypocritical fuckers that bases the movies on the books,
the perspective from a book reader of the movie?

The movie is a GREAT fucking movie but its not the real thing, they didnt really bring tolkiens "Middle Earth" into real life being but they didnt try very hard and i commend them for that but after leaving out HUGE significant details in ALL the movies, as well as CHANGING things that happened for no apparent reason (like Arwen the hot bitch ass daughter of elrond saving Frodo in the first Movie and bringing him to Rivendell never happend that dumb bitch didnt do nothing like that Frodo got away from the black riders and into Rivendell himself) but hey ya know what tho YES CARNAGE RAH FUCKING RIGHT

Gawkman verbalizes:

Smilie!HAR HAR! That's cuz we're just so UNPREDICTABLE!

Shan says in non-morse code:

Smilie!I expected the third review to be from Kayn, since he reviewed the first two.........

-|Devious|- yammers:

Smilie!when the movie said: the end i wanted to walk away BUT.... the some kind of stupid happy feeling good stuff happend, and again and again

Rawrb unleashes:

Smilie!I shall never use a round function for review average code!
I can use this sword to shave!
NO! Gondor is 45 degrees to your RIGHT!
I'm a weinie AS WELL as being psycho!
Haha! She thinks it's funny.
No CGI mutant elephants were harmed in this film.
I think I'll actually be USEFUL in this episode!