Evil review of evil proportions! Movie is so evil! Who is currently residing at this residence? ...EVIL!

I play video games. Video games are fun. If you don't like video games and think that it kills brain cells sitting around all day shooting up people, animals, plants, and minerals than you... you are, a not smarty person... very much. Poo. The fact of the matter is (or at least the fact that I'm going to make up since it pleases me thinking I'm correct) that video games enhance hand-eye coordination, and make you less not smart! Just ask these not made up people that are really made up but not... not.

"I used to play video games a lot and not get anywhere in life. But after 4 years of practice I'm finally a level 34958 Wizard Lord with maxed out Ice-Fang Attack 6! Look out ladies!" - Ronald Starten, Dolen Ohio
"I'm one of the few females that play violent videogames. Call me crazy if you like but my mom says it's just a phase and that severed feet can be easily hidden in our window-well." - Ema Linklin, Mastenchaw Pennsylvania
"I'm allergic to orange juice." - Sloan Degobah, Klonton New Jersey

With these success stories how could you go wrong with video games or the movies they inspire? I mean, even I was intelligent enough to make an intro that will probably be bigger than the rest of the review, but who am I? Just another game player that's sick of all the crappy game movies that we've had to deal with through the years;

  • Mario Brothers
  • Street Fighter
  • Mortal Kombats
  • *insert any videogame movie here*

But finally, FINALLY, we get a videogame movie that's actually worth watching. And I'm not saying, "That hot chick from The 5th Element is in it! Lets go see it and make stupid noises whenever they show her bend over!" Like some of you are probably thinking of doing. Shame on you! Shame on you and the horse you rode in on! The internet is no place for horses! (with the exception of HAR HAR)

As I sat down to see one of my favorite games "come to life" sort-of speak I thought about stuff. "Will the movie be good?", "Peanut butter", and "Should I take notes to make a quality Pluh review" (hours of internal laughter) The 2598356 previews went by and I was ready for some zombie kill action 1000. The 1000 is for... uh, a lot! A brief intro to Umbrella Corporation (for non nerds: evil corporation of DOOMAGE) and how it has become the largest supplier of medicine, computer products, and health care. How health care and computers come together I have no idea. Maybe a band-aid that takes your pulse? Or a cotton swab that files tax returns? None the less, that's what they did and they were good at it. But their funding actually comes from The Government (you know, and all their evil shenanigans) to do viral and genetic research to create weaponry of somekind.

We see someone steal a box of the "T-Virus" and throw one container into a room, breaking it open and having the gas travel into the vents. After that, the computer system shuts everything and starts killing off the employees. Afterwards we meet Milla Jonavick's character, half naked in a shower with seemingly no memory of what just happened. We see a boobie and realize that she has memory loss. Shortly after, a bunch of army-looking people jump through the windows and start looking everywhere. They grab Milla and continually ask her to report. She has no idea what they are talking about cause of the memory loss so we are still confused. (get used to it) From there the team moves in to take out the artificial intelligence that went homicidal. But is the A.I. the real enemy? Where are all the bodies of the dead workers? Will Kevin ever propose to Sally? Where's my moose? So many questions arise that if you think you missed something, odds are you didn't, it just hasn't been revealed yet. You probably already know where the dead workers are, they're ZOMBIES! BRAIN EATERS OF EATER BRAINS! And if you didn't know that then I'm sorry. Wait, actually I'm not. If you didn't know that stop reading this now and start banging your head against proposed "child safe" products until you're damaged enough to sue the company and get a big pay off. Cause honestly, that's the only way you're going to get though life alive... er, alive longer than normal people. Actually, it's just easier to say YER DUMB!

The acting is all right for it's purpose, the dialogue isn't superb, but if you're being chased by zombies are you REALLY going to be spouting catch phrases about being a cowboy or having intimate relations with your would-be zombie infected lover? They take this goo out for more zombie kill time! And boy is the kill time fun. Most zombies are just guys loaded with make-up, but that's all they need to be. Some do have pieces of head missing and eyeballs and whatnot, but for the most part they're just zombies, man. Keepin' it real on da undead syieeed! I suck at funny. There are other things besides zombies though. The licker, zombie dogs, and even the soon-to-be Nemesis make appearances. And about the Nemesis, you just hear a man mumble something about the Nemesis Program as they take a patient away. And, since the sequel is already being filmed, I'd say he's going to play a significant role in it.

In conclusion, if you're a fan of the games you'll more than likely like this movie. If you're a fan of Alien type movies or other "Survival Horror" movies, then this also may tickle your fancy. And if not Milla will more than likely tickle your... *you know what I'm going to put here, don't you just love the TESTOSTERONE!?!*


Category Comment Rating
Originality Not the most original thing in the world, but the sequel will fix that. 3
Acting Not bad, but could use a few dialogue perks 4
Soundtrack Pretty good sound track. While non is heard in the movie, the score is good too. (done by Manson I believe) 4.5
Effects/Presentation Very good direction and effects 5
Storyline Very good for a video game movie. But again, I think the sequel is what will really get the ball rolling on this series. 4.5
Final Verdict: 4.2


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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

pstick93 discharges:

Smilie!I thought this move basically sucked

ozzy ozborn (Guest) yammers:

Smilie!I fuken hate the movie it lide crap!!!!!!!!!!

the clash (Guest) verbalizes:

Smilie!i like the mavie

Murph vocalizes:

Smilie!You make no sense! Taco!

thedudewhosadude (Guest) forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!oh but of course! All those zombies HAD to be real! and the lasers of course! Now that that's done with, let's go back to your holding cell in the asylum, where your line of reality can't blur anymore than it already has! Jezus,

Murph communicates:

Smilie!You're right, after watching the movie I figured out that all the zombies weren't made with effects, they were in fact REAL ZOMBIES! They just hired non union zombies as well as constructed a real laser security system that REALLY cut people into pieces, much cheaper than effects! Also they found out the technology to make REAL holograms too. No effects at all! It's amazing!

thedudewhosadude (Guest) splats:

Smilie!what the hell was this movie?! It was pure crap! The special effects are non-existant! Did you even watch this movie or did you just guess that since it's based on a game it must be good. The 'special effects' put into making the 'licker' fit into the environment look like they were made with the last few $'s of their budget!

joe mama excretes:

Smilie!i think this game is going to be really cool becaouse you have to try an throw your mama off of a train or a cimi and try and kill her before she get's a hold of your gril and you don't want that a happening now do you
Poster of EVIL!
Pluhbabe soon shalt she be.
In a tube... of EVIL!
It's a guy, he shoots zombies.
Is it the game or the movie? Oh such thin lines!
Directer man says funny joke about squirrles.
She's got that look you get when you see, you know, zombies.
This guy wanted to be in RE, too bad chunky!
I bet she wishes she had an ink ribbon.
"MULTIPAAAS." - Just for JoeBob