Gawkman reviews the movie Signs. WHAT WAS THAT SOUND? *blows hole in computer monitor with shotgun*. Oh, it was just the copymachine...

You know what the problem with overhyped movies is? They're overhyped. If you think I'm referring to the movie "Signs", then you are wrong. I was actually referring to Pearl Harbor, which I still have not seen, and I don't want to rent because it looks too long.

Oh wait, this review is about "Signs". So, is "Signs" worth seeing? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes times ten to the 23nd power, which if you remember your chemistry, is a mole. So your desire to see this movie should be a mole.

Not your typical summer popcorn-flick.

A word of warning, though. This movie is a lot deeper than you most will want to sit through. This is not some Independence Day-esque summer popcorn flick. Nor is this some lame hack-em-up horror movie. This movie is freaky. Freaky enough to have my sweet thang and I clasping hands tightly the last half of the movie. And if you knew what kind of movie critics either of us are, taking pride in point out cliches and flaws, you would know that unless I'm being paid to write a favorable review (that would be nice), I'm not kidding here.

You know, for the longest time I finally concluded that as I got older and reallized that movies are mere fiction, they could not scare me anymore. House On Haunted Hill? The Haunting? Both really pathetic attempts to be scary. The most they can do to me is make me jump, but that doesn't count because silence followed by loud sound simply creates a reflex, not an emotion. If someone came up behind me right now and shouted, "HEY!" it would make me jump. Does that mean that I am mentally experiencing the emotion of fear right now? This movie defines what fear is. You know what fear is? Fear is what we do not know. Fear is what we do not understand. Fear is the unknown. This movie is such an in-your-face reminder of this. It takes your imagination and just totally uses it against you.

Gawkman's Imagination: Gawkman, you are now my bitch. Gawkman: No, I'm not. This is just a movie. Quit telling me what to think.
Gawkman's Imagination: Oh, really, eh? Did you hear that? What could that be?
Gawkman: A strategically placed ambient atmospheric sound effect to make you wonder what it is and set a mood but has no real significance to the plot whatsoever.
Gawkman's Imagination: Are you sure about that, Mr. Toughguy? Cuz there it is again. Might I remind you that this movie is simple, and doesn't have stuff like that. Notice how they don't even have music playing in the background most of them the time.
Gawkman: So?
Gawkman's Imagination: So? AH? Did you see that?
Gawkman: No...
Gawkman's Imagination: You're in denial. You know you saw that. What was it? What will it do? What is it capable of? Why is it there? What does it know? How many are there? What is it planning?
Gawkman's Imagination: That's right, Bitch.

So, besides having the psychological bone-chill factor, what else does this movie have? Moments. Lots and lots of moments. Memorable moments. Very memorable quotes. And strangely on top of all of it, a sophisticated contextual sense of humor used at just the right times. They constantly do stuff like build up the tension, then instead of relieving your suspense, they merely subdue it by making you laugh (usually a little nervously). Kinda like how when you drive a car, and you hit the gas pedal, it goes, and when you hit the brake, it stops. Only without the car. And without the accelerating/braking mechanism. And replacing the concept "go" and "stop" with the concept, "temporary relief". Like when you're dreaming that you have to go to the bathroom because you have to pee in real life, but your asleep- so you dream that you keep peeing and peeing and even though you're peeing, you still feel like you gotta pee. Yeah, it's that intense.

This movie also has really good acting. It has only a few characters, and you really get to know them. Emotions and responses are very believable, I specifically gotta give props to the actor who played the little boy. And last of all, this movie has plot. The ending tied everything together in a way that made me wanna stand up and shout, "Director/writer guy, you kickass!"Not that I really did that in the theater or anything.

Well, I don't want to talk much about this movie as to give anything away, but I will leave you with several loose comparisons between various aspects of the movie and random fruit.

Acting = Pears
The acting was good, and pears are good.

Plot = Bananas
Sure, the inside isn't exactly what you were expecting judging from the outside, but that doesn't mean it's not good. And "potassium" contains all the letters of "plot" except for "l". Coincidence? There are no coincidences.

Scare factor = Tomato
Just when you thought that all fruit have to taste like fruit because they are fruit. And yes, a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable.

Humor = Orange
Good by itself, but creates an unusual enhancement when used in conjunction with chinese food. Oh yeah, and the movie is chinese food. Mmmm... orange-peel chicken...

Acting = Grapes
Oh wait, I already determined that Acting = pears. Oh well, it's still valid because grapes are also good.

Movie = Fruit Salad
Hey, I know that comparison breaks the rules, but the movie ties everything together in a way you wouldn't expect... with whipped cream and marshmellows. Only without the whipped-cream and the marshmellows.


Category Comment Rating
Originality A lot different than what I was expecting. 5
Acting Excellent acting all-around. 4.5
Soundtrack Not much of a soundtrack, although the intro credit song was cool. 2.5
Effects/Presentation Not much need for special effects. 3
Storyline Very cool storyline. Multiple levels of logic. Thought-provoking. 5
Final Verdict: 4


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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Rawrb bakes:

Smilie!A mole is a fucking animal who burrows underground, STUPID!

Shafty evaporates:

Smilie!Besides, doesn't the review simply say "Yes times 10^23?" What's wrong with that? That's a mole of Yes! Technically, of course, you could argue that a "mole" of Yes is actually Yes times 6.02 times 10^23. But what if the numerical value of Yes is 6.02? Then, Yes times 10^23 is a mole! Take that, science guy!

Gawkman communicates:

Smilie!Actually, I would have been incorrect in assuming it was 1 x 10^23... where did you get the "5" from? You pointed out my wrong wrong!

Rawrb bakes:

Smilie!Gawkman got TOLD!

Andrew splats:

Smilie!just to let you know, a mole is 6.02x10, not 5x10
An insignificant perfect circle made in crops.
What's upstairs? Let's not arm ourselves!
Fisher Price has a new line of baby monitors with interstellar capabilities.
Cool insane fanatic army-guy.