John Smith meets Poke-her-hontas, har har. Wait, wasn't there another animated movie that told this story? Oh well. I suppose stories needs to be told over and over again this day and age, some with more violence and drama. And Colin Farrel.

Colin Farrel needs a good movie. Let's face it - Alexander just sucked. I thought about reviewing it, and I still might. It'd just be too easy to trash though - reviewing the tale of a bisexual warlord.

"I'm gonna conquer the world and then go cuddle with Ralph."
- Possible Line from Alexander

Yeah, too easy. Not that I have anything against the bi community, because I don't. Hey, shut up, this is my review and I will not accept your opinion!

"And then I read aloud from my journal... in the brushes."

I sort of know the story about John Smith and Pocahontas. They made a Disney movie about it called... Pocahontas. According to The New World,  John Smith wasn't much of an explorer. He starts off as a prisoner on a boat, is about to be executed for treason-like speak, but the captain spares him for some reason. Awww, humanity.

Paddles are forbidden in Christianity! Die mongrel!

Then they meet with the "savages," a scuffle unfolds, and John is sent off to meet with their king. Or chief. Something like that. John gets captured, Pocahontas pleads for his life, is successful, and things go from there. Kind of.

That takes about an hour to happen in the movie. It's very, VERY slow. SLOW. Attempts to move the story forward are similar to reading from a journal scribbled in boredom. Then you hate life because you're clawing your face off.

But hey, guess what? The overall performances are great. Lots of veteran actors contribute to the movie, which is always great to see. Unfortunately, the script and "attempt at mega realism" is something that great acting still cannot save.

"Attractive underage Native American! MMM!"

I dislike this movie tremendously. Production is great. Acting is great. Storyline and flow of movie is the suck. Avoid this angrily!


Category Comment Rating
Originality It's been done. 2.5
Acting Great, except for the main guy. 4.5
Soundtrack Seemed non existent to me. 2
Effects/Presentation Very good. 4.5
Storyline SLOOOOOOW! 1
Englishmen digging in the mud Yeah. 1
Final Verdict: 2.58


blog comments powered by Disqus
The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

PsychoslutRoboT conveys:

Smilie!Avoids it, but not angrily!

Rawrb vocalizes:

Smilie!You should do a second opinion!

PsiNyde jabbers:

Smilie!holy spelunking crap! this one one of the WORST movies EVAR! i rented it thinking, "Colin Farrel's in a cool movie about john" WRONG. good review, but i would have scored it -5 in all categories, with a summary of: POOP.
One with the land.
Spear the title! It meat good'um!
He's here to rape the land.
The land is going to rape her!
Raccoon man contemplates looking around.
Pasteface enjoys brushes!
The new land... of attractive people.
How the typical Thanksgiving goes at my family's house.
The land screams RAPE!
Native rave!