John Smith meets Poke-her-hontas, har har. Wait, wasn't there another animated movie that told this story? Oh well. I suppose stories needs to be told over and over again this day and age, some with more violence and drama. And Colin Farrel.
Colin Farrel needs a good movie. Let's face it - Alexander just sucked. I thought about reviewing it, and I still might. It'd just be too easy to trash though - reviewing the tale of a bisexual warlord.
"I'm gonna conquer the world and then go cuddle with Ralph."
- Possible Line from Alexander
Yeah, too easy. Not that I have anything against the bi community, because I don't. Hey, shut up, this is my review and I will not accept your opinion!
I sort of know the story about John Smith and Pocahontas. They made a Disney movie about it called... Pocahontas. According to The New World, John Smith wasn't much of an explorer. He starts off as a prisoner on a boat, is about to be executed for treason-like speak, but the captain spares him for some reason. Awww, humanity.
Paddles are forbidden in Christianity! Die mongrel!
Then they meet with the "savages," a scuffle unfolds, and John is sent off to meet with their king. Or chief. Something like that. John gets captured, Pocahontas pleads for his life, is successful, and things go from there. Kind of.
That takes about an hour to happen in the movie. It's very, VERY slow. SLOW. Attempts to move the story forward are similar to reading from a journal scribbled in boredom. Then you hate life because you're clawing your face off.
But hey, guess what? The overall performances are great. Lots of veteran actors contribute to the movie, which is always great to see. Unfortunately, the script and "attempt at mega realism" is something that great acting still cannot save.
I dislike this movie tremendously. Production is great. Acting is great. Storyline and flow of movie is the suck. Avoid this angrily!
|Originality||It's been done.||2.5|
|Acting||Great, except for the main guy.||4.5|
|Soundtrack||Seemed non existent to me.||2|
|Englishmen digging in the mud||Yeah.||1|
|Final Verdict: 2.58|