The creators of the "smash hits" known as "The Fast and the Furious" and it's cleverly named sequel, "2 Fast 2 Furious," bring to us the motorcycle drama/racing/crapfest known as "Torque."

Gawkman appears in images somehow!

Worst Movie Ever, thy name is Torque

I'm not a racing nut. In fact, I don't give two shits about NASCAR or some racing derby stuff. I would rather have two slinkies racing down my stairsteps than go to the nearest race-a-thon where fat bald guys drink beer and lose their hearing from the overly loud cars exploding into each other.

Yeah, that's me. But I had to see Torque. HAD to. There was no question. Ever since I saw the preview, there was so much potential for laughs... probably because I laughed my ass off at the preview itself. There's a great deal of dumb compressed into this movie, and elaboration is at hand!

ALTARNETN!

Everyone Fear Scrunchy-face!

Plot: The "hero" returns from Thailand after evading some drug guys that had him hold some bikes containing crystal methane. DRUGS! The bad guys find the hero, and tough-guy heckling starts occuring. "Give me my bikes or I'll look very angry at you!"

The bad guys' rival biker gang (I can't remember their name - the Goats or something), with actor Ice Cube (or as Gawkman and I dubbed him, "scrunchy-face"), also stirs up trouble for the hero when he gets framed for MURDAR! This gang, complete with nowaday's socially acceptable racial slurs against white folk, oppose the hero until a "plot twist" occurs. Yeah, that was a spoiler. Not that you're gonna care, trust me.

But it certainly doesn't stop there.

Jet Powered Motorcycle - HAR HAR!

Throughout the movie, you'll come across a ton of overly ridiculous (as well as utterly stupid) scenes within. These include (but are not limited to):

  • A tough guy pushing a little kid down for touching his car.
  • Hearing the "whoosh!" sound when you check your watch, toss your phone to a friend, or swing your arm.
  • Several dozen scantly clad chicks dancing and grinding themselves into motorcycles and each other. While playing with the water hose. For no reason.
  • People falling off of their motorcycles going well over 100 miles per hour without gaining a scratch or breaking a bone.
  • Convienently placed ramps that are just the right size for motorcycles.
  • Scrunchy-face scrunching his face many, many times.
  • The main female protragonist not leveraging her finances and having to save up all her money to buy a shop. ;)
  • An annoying chick with tons of peircings trying to be sick and evil. She's just a terrible actress.
  • A very laughable fight scene where the main chick and that evil peirced chick battle each other... using their motorcyles. It's as ridiculous as the fight scene between Homer and the leader of the Hell's Satans in that one Simpson's episode where Homer starts a motorcycle gang. The whole movie was worth enduring just to watch that scene.
  • The main guy blazing through a very busy downtown Los Angeles going 200 miles per hour. The whole thing is rendered in terrible CG.

And that's Torque. It sucks. It really sucks. The acting, the plot, the characters - everything. SUCK. See this only to laugh, and nothing more.

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Originality This has definately been done, and much better. -1.5
Acting Some of the worst I've seen in the theater. -3
Soundtrack Has some "heavy" stuff, but most of it is trendy radio crap. -0.5
Effects/Presentation Heh, yeah... -1
Storyline Worst... ever. -4
Dancing, water-soaked chicks Best part of movie, still not that great. 1
Final Verdict: -1.5

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Pain in my anus (Guest) evaporates:

Smilie!This was the best movie ever! Right up there with all-time classics like Mortal Kombat and Cableguy!

Rawrb declares:

Smilie!Shan said:Jamie Presly was that pierced evil chick. :)

and don't forget that the cop chick gets shot and exploded, but still lives.......
Yeah, I forgot about that. How did she survive a death explosion with hardly a scratch? "BULLET PROOF VEST!"

Shan discharges:

Smilie!Jamie Presly was that pierced evil chick. :)

and don't forget that the cop chick gets shot and exploded, but still lives.......
It's a TOUGH-GUY off!
Now their FRIEYUINDS!
Mr. Evil and Mrs. Evil with Mrs. Happy in between!
Baha... HAHAHA!
She always goes for stupid tough guys!
Scrunchyface has more wind resistance with a scrunchy face!
Har har!