Kayn reviews a very buggy product that's supposed to allow you to play Playstation games on yer comp or something.

Yeah, I've boasted over and over about getting this review out to you. I have waited an extremely long time for a 100% working version of Bleem! However, this has not yet happened, and probably never will. Kinda like What's-Her-Name.

So I figured what the hell, I'll review their current version (build 1.4) to get this out of the way. And to warn you plain and simple.

Bleem! does not work.

A few things to keep in mind (and to remind myself, due to frustration), is that emulation is not easy. Console software programmers don't have to worry about compatibility with other video cards, sound cards; basically all the components that make up a PC. Every console system, such as the Playstation, have the exact same architecture inside. All games made for the playstation work with every Playstation. Bleem's programmer(s) have to consider every PC and situation. To be honest, that is not the main reason why is does not work. Take my system, for example:

Pentium II 400 MMX
128 MB PC100 SDRAM
Creative Labs TNT2 Ultra 3D Blaster
Diamond MX300 Sound Card
Windows 98 OS
Microsoft Sidewinder
A Computer case

Not a bad setup, eh? I can run any game out there, in a high resolution, with a killer framerate. Quake 2 at 1024x768 with 78 fps. Q3test at 640x400 with 100 fps. Basically any texture cramped, high triangle count game kicks ass. Fast loading times, 32-bit color, blah blah blah...
So why the hell does Bleem bite the hot dog of death? It certainly is not my system; I have an above average uber-ninja gaming rig.

I actually love the idea of emulation (Seiken Densetsu 3 Translation is tight!). Sony Entertainment obviously hates that same idea, thus taking the Bleem! team to court. Due to the fact that Bleem! itself does not use the copyrighted Playstation BIOS, the case was dismissed. All the fans of Playstation, including myself, rooted and cheered. We were going to play playstation games with more RAM, more colors, better sound, Anti-aliasing (3D accelerators only, of course), and dozens of desired features only a PC could crank. Or so we thought.

So I figured what the hell, I'll review their current version (build 1.4) to get this out of the way. And to warn you plain and simple.

Before purchasing the actual software, I downloaded their demo version and installed it, slapped in Wild Arms, and saw the pixelatted intro CG in grey. Considering the fact that it was Beta, and the full version lets you see things in color, I let it go. Since it was just beta, they're going to fix all the booboo's and release a badass, working version, right? WRONG! You fail! Go to Jail! Walk the plank! Eat your cookie dough without a spoon!

My definition of not working: If you can't play more than 5 minutes without a game crashing, it does not work. If you load a game up and nothing appears, it does not work. If you set the configurations as specified on the website, resulting with the program crashing, it does not work. I've had better luck getting this to work than Gawkman has with getting a woman.

GAME #1: Castlevania: Symphony of the Night: So, what does work? CG works really well. However, once a sequence ends, the screen flickers to, I'm assuming, initialize the actual game. The first PSX CD I tried was Castlevainia: Symphony of the Night. The game loaded faster (due to the 50x CD-Rom Drive), and upon starting a new quest, everything seemed to be working perfectly. Controls were responsive, sound was slighly muffled, but nonetheless the game was working. Well, that was until you and Dracula started talking. Richter bloated, "DIE MONSTER" and the game froze. I then tried it 2 more times, and gave up with frustration.

GAME #2: Resident Evil: Capcom's "scare-the-jizz-outta-you" game with funny voice acting just flat out didn't load.

GAME #3: Ogre Battle: Special Edition: It loaded everything just fine, except one little problem. The game RAN TOO FAST! There was an option to limit the game speed, so I turned it on. Hey, that didn't work; still was too fast. Do I have to h4x0r this damn thing?! Errgh!

GAME #4: Wild Arms: The pretty anime style of Wild Arms loaded up just fine, up to the point you tried to start a new game. The screen went black with nothing loading.

GAME #5: Final Fantasy VII: I then tried Final Fanta--ahh, screw it. If only 1 out of 5 games work, what's the real point? Why even bother? I'll just play my buggy PC Version; it runs badass.

My advice to the Bleem! team: Before promising cutting edge perfomance, make sure you have the resources and the knowledge. There is nothing worse that having customers paying for a product that does not work, then having to deal with complaints (that's why we have beta testers). Every other software company has to confront the same issues and yet, their results usually (9 out of 10 times) end up more functional. IF I were you, I'd take down the Bleem! project for a good few months. Try to get every little bug swept clean and 100% compatible with every single playstation game out there. Tough? Yes. A part of being a software developer, no doubt. It's not easy; No one ever said it was or would be. Look at it this way; if you get it right, it really will pay off.

Just ask Sony Entertainment. :)

Well, to those who want to play a playstation game: Buy a playstation. If you don't wanna buy one and don't mind not being able to play games the way they were meant to be, get Bleem! Then again, get a Playstation. Ones in pawn shops are way cheaper.

I trust you'll do the right thing. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play Secret of Mana 2. Translated.


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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Aaron jabbers:

Smilie!i need bleem badly could you send??

Rawrb blahs:

Smilie!Wow, those computer specs are OLD! So is this review! This was in like 1999 or something!

Rawrb blahs:

Smilie!Taquanna Hurst said:remuve middle finger and the guy drinking beer Absolutely not.

Taquanna Hurst (Guest) dispenses:

Smilie!remuve middle finger and the guy drinking beer

GlassSoul pizzas:

Smilie!Yea Bleem! sux beefy nipples off the hot toast. my friend bought it and had basically every problem you just listed as well, so we started it on fire and threw it at the mentally handicapped kids dog down the street.

taquanna (Guest) conveys:

Smilie!hi baby i mean boys