This overhyped, over covered, over-reviewed, over critized game finally hits the shelves after 2 years (2 too many, BAHAHAH). Kayn reviews it..

Editor's Note: This was written while jamming to Nothingface.

A few days ago, The lovely lady and I were hiking through a local mall browsing at some needed/wanted items and such. After 'embarassing' her a little bit ('Huh? Which one of these wouldn't I let you wear in public?'), we walked by a Babbages, and the gravitational suckage drew me inside to browse at the gamey-poos. She started looking at that Sims game (she's a smart, strategy gaming type) while I, poised in awe of the wall 'o games, saw Daikatana.

"By the silicon parched in Killcreek!" I gasped as I reached to obtain TheBox, " 'Tis Daikatana!"

As I muttered this, a bitter, sushi-like flavor consumed my tastebuds. I groggingly remembered the demo that was still secure on my hard drive at home. It was a thing of evil and disgust. Should I purchase the full version in hopes that Sir Romero and his team of h4x0r3rs fixed what was so horrendous of a demo? After all, doesn't a demo offer a taste of the full version?

Then I heard, "I want this game. I want to become God."

I looked at my girlfriend who was staring fiendishly at The Sims game. So I smiled at her and bought Daikatana. Hey, come on now, only one of us is allowed to be a fucking gaming dork, right?

That, and Daikatana was only 30 bucks.

After more driving around in 107 degree weather, we finally got home. Gawkman noticed TheBox, and spewed, "Y...you bought that game?"

"Yes. I must see what took so damn long." I replied, inserting the CD and installing the massive 675 meggish game.

"Must...get...SIMS...become...God..." the woman chanted, walking aimlessly into the wall and falling over. Gawkman held her down while I injected her with Morphine, and she was quickly sedated and laying on the ground with a weird grin. That was not good.

"I hope Romero is happy," I said to Gawkman, "I chose this game over her sanity. Better be worth it."

I sat back down in front of my computer, and watched Daikatana finish it's slow installation. After this, I fired Daikatana up to see the same exact thing as the demo: Ronin, Samuri, and something else. I can't remember what I click on, but the game loaded (quicky, I might add) to show the HUGE ass storyline introduction. This is what I recollected from what they explained:

You are [weird japanese name here], descendant of [weird japanese name here] who created the Daikatana (heh, BIG SWORD). This sword was so powerful that [weird japanese name here] didn't want [weird japanese name here] to get ahold of it, so he threw it in a volcano. That's what I would've done, heh. Now, [weird japanese name here] has traveled through time to change history for the bad. You, [weird japanese name here], must get the Daikatana and change history back for the good. Oh yeah, after that old dude [weird japanese name here] was fucked up, he asks you to rescue his daugher [weird japanese name here] from [weird japanese name here] so you can perform a lethal beef injection with your DaiSchlong-ah.

Okay, first off, cool storyline. I may be a tad off with my above summary (heh), but it's cool. One thing I did notice though was a big Chrono Trigger influence on the time travel thingie. For those who don't know, Romero loves and carresses The Chrono Trigger. He even required that his staff members play though the entire game. Wish I had me that job.

Anyway, I caught the story fairly well, which is good. It may take a couple more times to listen to grasp every tidbit, but I understood the goal: Get Sword. Rescue chick. Travel through time. Get bad guy. Be hero. Eat a sandwich. Wait for sequel.

After that detailed opening, I finally got to play. But wait, what's this? The first level is the same DAMN LEVEL WITH THE @!##($&@#() FLIES AND FROGS LIEK TEH @#($&@(# DIAKNATAANAN DEMOOO!?!??!

Yes. Yes it was. It was the same. That I did not like. But I swallowed whatever anger and oppresion I held towards that 'Demo' and played on. The game got better. Around level 3, the flies and froggies started to go bye-bye. That I did like. Enemies started to look more like real enemies. That was good.

Before I rant on more, I must comment on the scientist-type dudes. You know, the skinny guys that freak out when they see you walk in the room. The 'Innocent Bystanders.' I couldn't help but burst into laughter when they scream at your presence. I must commend Ion Storm for having that one .wav file repeat over and over AND OVER until you either leave the room or gib them. It was like they were continuously getting kicked in the groin by Mia Hamm or something. Sickening.

Daikatana shines best for gameplay. The story is quite engrossing and does a decent job keeping you in the game for many hours, which is also very good. Kinda keeps you guessing, but not like our old favorite, Half-Life.

Sidekicks = pain in ass. Sorry guys, I know you took 3 years to get them running somewhat smoothly, but as an avid gaming nerd, I have to let you know. I HATE the sidekicks. They're kinda smart; like a Shih-Tzu, but they are not smart enough. It took me a little while to get that sidekick interface down, but otherwise I thought they just slowed me down. The doggie commands kept things nice and simple, however they just didn't really add to the game. They took away. That is bad.

Another thing that kinda bugs me...what the HELL is up with Superfly? He's like the 'Big Black Guy' stereotyped character. I'm surprised that he didn't bust out with some rhymes and started yellin', "Put yo' hands up in tha aiiiirrrr!" Come on. I mean, at least make the dude sound intelligent. And next time, don't use the name Superfly. I don't know a single black dude named anything even close to something that mentally retarted.

Other than that, AI needs some massive tweaking. And other than THAT...pluh.

Well, overall, the game was cool. Just cool. John Romero commented in an interview somewhere (I don't remember where) something similar to this, "If you liked the feel of Doom, you'll like the feel of Daikatana." I guess what he means is that if you liked having an assload of baddies in your face, then you'll probably enjoy Daikatana. The only problem is, the 'Good old Doom feel' is just, well, OLD. I'm tired of being overtaken by the equivalent of the Natzee army once per level; I want real innovation. A real reason to PLAY the game.

I will be honest though; I didn't finish it. Why? I didn't really care to. Correct me if I'm wrong, but why should you feel any obligation to play a game? I would honestly feel myself pull away when I would fire up Daikatana, and that is bad. If I died once, I would quit. I didn't have any real desire to continue playing.

I doubt John Romero will ever read this, but if he is, heed my words. I know I'm not a game developer, but I aspire to become one, and this is what I've learned from being a picky gamer: When you are making a game, you have to think what will make it FUN. The game shouldn't become a task to play. I'm not talking about challenge; I'm talking about diversity. Real diversity. Don't make things a pain in the ass. If they annoy more than innovate, take them OUT. Do something else. No one wants to play an annoying game. If people complain about dated graphics, they're just looking for excuses. Sure, they're dated compared to Quake 3, but if the game was flowing with creativity and innovation, no one would care about the dated graphics. I'm serious; I still play old school 8-bit/16-bit games because they're fun. The old graphics don't bother me.

Arrrgh, I'm ranting. Anyway, I can't wait to see your next incarnation Mr. Romero. You know ya got it in ya, just focus on the funfactor and little quirks that make a game kick ass, and you'll be among the top game designers out there. Hopefully I'll be there too. What? Can't I be optimistic? You know, I've been playing games for 16 years...

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Gameplay Parts were cool here and there. Not enough wow factor though. 3.5
Graphics Extremely dated graphics, cool animations, happy happyness. 3
Music/Sound Hiro's voice is HORRENDOUS. Explosions are cool, stupid dragonflies... 3
Replay Value Don't think I'll be coming back to this one... 1.5
Originality Lots of original stuff in here, just not enough of it. 3.5
0
Final Verdict: 2.9

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

none (Guest) blahs:

Smilie!You should see his friggin' Amazon.com reviews. Some of the most God-awful prose I've ever read in my life. Jaw-droppingly bad.

Mr. Obvious (Guest) unleashes:

Smilie!This guy talks a lot.

notheredave (Guest) plutoniums:

Smilie!notheredave said:A CREEK OF SORTSS, Leechong seeping..... THIS SWAMP SEEMS TO NEVER END ITS SO REAL YET,

notheredave (Guest) pizzas:

Smilie!A CREEK OF SORTSS, Leechong seeping.....

notheredave (Guest) unleashes:

Smilie!KABOOM ODE TO ITS OVER....BUT THE GAME CONTINUES and its becomming my ADVENTURE AND its NEARLY fully interactive IMPLAUSIBLE YET, highly addictive LIKE SLIM JIMS DOWN AT THE OLE seven eleven on the road to somewhere, SO i get a better grasp of the controls EVEN AS THE SKEETS BUZZME I CIRCLE LEFT AND BACKTRACK, up over a rainbow and into,,

notheredave (Guest) says in non-morse code:

Smilie!notheredave said:MAYBE I SHOULD SWITH SUBJECTS1 the swamp THE SWAMP WHAT KILLED THEIR PASSION? ONCE IT WAS ALL TECHNO COLOUR FULLL OF THREE BILLION SHADES FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH NUCLEAR ACID LIKE NEW AND CLEAR AS A BELL ..... and then it began to turn, ever so slowly YET DEADLY

notheredave (Guest) forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!MAYBE I SHOULD SWITH SUBJECTS1

notheredave (Guest) dispenses:

Smilie!IM GOANNA BE OSTERCISED EVEN THOUGH IM CIRCUMCISED I HAVENT FELT SO GOOD IN YEARS...

notheredave (Guest) blahs:

Smilie!notheredave said:ITS THE MOTHER OF SHOOTERS, TAKE MY WORD. SPEAK TO ME. UP THE CREEK I GO SO HAIRY HILLY..... YOU CAN PUSH SHIFT AND SPEED PASS OUTRUN THE DRAGON HUMMERS IN BAGHDAD.IF YOU WANT.

notheredave (Guest) evaporates:

Smilie!ITS THE MOTHER OF SHOOTERS, TAKE MY WORD.

notheredave (Guest) absolves:

Smilie!romero and kill cREEK BLANKED LIKE CRETINS IN ITS EXECUTIONS, SO IS HEARD. FIDDLE WITH YOUR SURROUND HER MMOANS IN THE LEFT CHANNEL.

notheredave (Guest) blahs:

Smilie!notheredave said:<table width=75% align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=0><tr><td><hr align=center width=100% size=1><font size=2 face=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif><b>notheredave</b> said:</font><br><em><font size=2 face=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif>THE dragonfllys or are they hummin birds ALMOST MOCK you AS THEY CIRCLE IN for the THRILL RIDE OF YOUR LIFE....</font><br></em> <hr align=center width=100% size=1></td></tr></table><p>SKEETS, SOMETIMES I THINK thyre called.......after hail.. I imagine, the swamp had incredible sound ALSO. DAIKATANA IS THE ULTIMARE INVERSIVE FUTURE PERFECT.......

notheredave (Guest) pizzas:

Smilie!notheredave said:THE dragonfllys or are they hummin birds ALMOST MOCK you AS THEY CIRCLE IN for the THRILL RIDE OF YOUR LIFE.... SKEETS, SOMETIMES I THINK thyre called.......after hail.. I imagine, the swamp had incredible sound ALSO.

notheredave (Guest) plutoniums:

Smilie!THE dragonfllys or are they hummin birds ALMOST MOCK you AS THEY CIRCLE IN for the THRILL RIDE OF YOUR LIFE....

notheredave (Guest) conveys:

Smilie!THE FROGS HAVE INCREDIBLE ALS, ARTIFICIAL inteligence for all you clowns OUT THERE,

notheredave (Guest) absolves:

Smilie!it aint no stink O RAMA ETHER NIETHER...

notheredave (Guest) yammers:

Smilie!notheredave said:AND THE SEWERS YOU KINDA FIND THE GAME INVIGORATIING... LIKE NOTHING ON EARTH.........

notheredave (Guest) dispenses:

Smilie!AND THE SEWERS

notheredave (Guest) blahs:

Smilie!I LOVE THE SWAMP....