Can one polish a turd? Sure, but your rag might get dirty with turd runoff.

Drool factor is just that - a factor of drooling. There is nothing I loathe more than just one good thing about a game. It's a very not good thing. So I punches you!


Unreal was released in like 97 or 98, I think. Anyone who was into FPS (First Person Shooter) games at that remember that event. This was around the time Quake II was released, and the FPS companies started battling it out (in a manner of speaking). So, once Unreal hit the shelves, a whole new standard for visuals hit the FPS genre. Unfortunatley, it was just a visual thing. For a few months, people gawked at the realism and smoothness of Unreal's engine. In fact, that very engine soon became the engine that many FPS develpment companies went to, instead of Quake II's engine. Many large titles were released from Unreal's technology (such as Deus Ex, and the soon-to-never-be-released Duke Nukem Forever), and that's always a good thing.

But the gameplay for Unreal itself was just plain boring. There was a lot more potential there for a very fun game, but they didn't milk that enough. They just... made it pretty.

Whoo! Space is perdy!


After Unreal Tournament and Unreal Tournament 2003 (which were both very fun games), the true sequal to Unreal was released. It was called... Unreal II! (...The Awakening.)

The game is simply beautiful. There's a tremendous amount of detail with character models, levels, sounds, weapons, and pretty much anything else in the game. The models, for instance, are outstanding. Especially Aida. Holy crap, she's hot. She looks like a metal stripper chick, except she's hot. HOT. Call me pathetic (you probably have already), but I spent time just staring at her, eehm, "polygons" for a while. Epic is going to score a few extra points for just Aida. I swear, if a game company would make more games with MORE Aidas, I would be a happier person. The other models are great too. *cough*

The music and sound fits the game nicely. The intro to Unreal II shows off a lot of cool stuff with real-time sequences and their new-ish techno dance crap. Don't get me wrong, the style of music fits the theme of the game and all, but I just hate techno/dance. Farg!


I'm sure that many of you who've bought Unreal II already either finished it, or uninstalled it before finishing it. I did the latter. After about 5 or 6 levels of pretty graphics, I got bored to tears. The characters didn't bug me (Aida knows this), nor did the level design. There just wasn't any real punch to the game - it didn't make me fear for my life. It didn't make me want to play it to the end. I really tried to get into it (especially since I spent money on it), but just couldn't bring myself to care. There is a lot of cool shit in the game, but... it wasn't enough. When I think about this, I think about games that sucked me in and wouldn't let me stop playing. Games like Half-life and Metriod Prime. I have yet to play a FPS that drew me in like Half-life did - I seriously spent all my extra free time playing that game until I finished it. So I compare that experience to Unreal II, and try to figure out what it's missing.

Aida! Yummay!
Aida has boobays.

I think part of Epic's mistake with this game is that they tried TOO hard to make it addicting. Or something. Seriously, if they approached the development of Unreal II with the mindset of something like, "Simple, yet complex," I think it would have turned out much better. Somewhere in the midst of Unreal II's conception, there was a mistake or twelve made with the gameplay. Argh! It's just frustrating knowing that this just couldn've been SO much more.

Blah, time for other games!

Oh well, I know this game has had similar reviews on other websites. Hopefully Epic reads them and learns a thing or two. Otherwise, FART! Half-life 2 in less than two months, and that's what makes a Kayn explode with glee, and such...


Category Comment Rating
Gameplay Boring fart land. I uninstalled with boredom. 2
Graphics Superb! 5
Music/Sound Music = good, sound = good! 4
Replay Value If you do not like it first time, chances are you will not come back. 2
Originality It has been done... 3
Final Verdict: 3.2


blog comments powered by Disqus
The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

kUki (Guest) excretes:

Smilie!Holy truth. Author is right - the game was graphically beautyful, but boring...

Porn Monkey verbalizes:

Smilie!You didnt write a warcraft (version 3 and or frozen throne) review HUH HUH?!?

Rawrb verbalizes:

Smilie!Maybe this review should go in BOREDOM section since it was so BORING. BLAR HAR HAR HARH ARAHRH! My veins are infested with clevar!@
Marine man looks for things to kill!
Landing gear! Stupid planet!
Bad pic of Aida, but trusts me! she = GARF!
He is flaming. HAR HAR HAR!
Flames are painful!
Tunnel of death bugs!
Big open area! Like my ex! HAR AHR!
Target = that guy!
Whoo! Perdy!
Where are my shoe?
Hey stupid, buy some clothes!