At long last, a new Pluhbabe--the uber-hot Aria Giovanni--comes to rescue us from Mrs. Teh's horrible visage. Aria also explains in detail why she wants teh Shaftywarmth, and why Murph will never have a chance with her.

Mrs. Teh Should Be Deleted--from the Pluhbabe Database AND the Earth.

There's an old Metallica song (from before they sold their souls to appeal to the masses) entitled "The Thing That Should Not Be." It kills you, with extreme wrath. It also speaks the true truth. Some things exist that, if all were good and fair, wouldn't. Like: Hair bands. Parking security. Avril Lavigne. AOL. Chick flicks. Salads with no dressing. Infomercials. Diahrrea. Tampon commercials.... err, that is, any commercials that target woman or discuss "feminine hygiene." And, perhaps most importantly, Mr. Teh's Pluhbabe Review of Mrs. Teh. None of us will ever be the same, for having to see that abomination. My eyes are forever stained, and it's not the kind of stain that Tide or even bleach will be able to clean in some sort of nifty commercial. To be quite fair, Mrs. Teh's Pluhbabe review is a pockmark on the soul of Pluh.com, for Mrs. Teh represents everything contrary to those qualities we admire in our loyal squadron of Pluhbabes. Yet, while Kayn and Gawkman labored to produce the Psychostick CD, Murph went to school, Bones fell off the face of the planet, and Shafty fought to eradicate the world of evil lawyers, Mrs. Teh's hideous visage continued to greet any who visited the Pluh News page. My friends, this must be stopped, and its damage undone. But to unwreak the damage that has been done, no ordinary Pluhbabe will do. We need... a SUPAR-PLUHBABE. We need....

Aria Giovanni

(The Greatest Pluhbabe Ever)

Here Shafty Attempts to Demonstrate that Aria Giovanni Has Some Qualities Besides Uber-Hottiness, in Hopes of Convincing You to Keep Reading Instead of Simply Checking Out Her Pictures, by Providing Token Background Information About Her.

Shafty: How's the review sounding so far?
Shafty's Brain: You're getting a bit verbose. Maybe now would be a good time for a Murph insult.
Shafty: Murph is a wanker because he prefers the Judean People's Front to the People's Front of Judea?
Shafty's Brain: Swish!

Sure enough, Shafty stumbled upon Aria Giovanni when searching the Internet for "Greatest Uber-Babe Ever." It also turns out that Aria Giovanni is a prOn star which, naturally, would explain Porn Monkey's preoccupation with her. One online "biography" of her lists the following statistics (yes, I'm 100% confident that those who search the Internet for prOn stars are interested in her favorite color and TV show):

Age: 22

Height: 5'6"

Weight: 124

Measurements: 34D-25-35

Eye Color: Brown

Hair: Dark Brown

Shoe Size: 8

Dress Size: 7

Birth Place: California

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

Nationality: Italian, Yugoslavian, French, German, Irish, American Indian

Favorite Color: Blue

Her profile also identifies that, although she WILL pose for "girl on girl," she WON'T do "girl on guy." That shows incredible character on her part. Because she apparently won't agree to pose in stupid photos with random stupid-looking naked guys with stupid-looking jiggers, Aria scores millions of Pluh points. Is she smoking-hot? Do ducks quack? The answer to both questions is "HELL YEAH," except when the answer is, "Not if afore-mentioned duck has an upper respiratory infection." Yes, she is surrounded by all kinds of uber-perfection. Try and find a fault in her. Go ahead, peruse the pictures accompanying this review, and then try and nitpick your lousy-ass way into finding some imperfection in this beautiful creation. You suck, you little nitpicking prick and, what's more, you're wrong. Accept her dominion over you.

Aria Giovanni Doesn't Want the Murphbonk.

Generally, almost every Pluhbabe review has a few things in common. All include a made-up dialogue which, you may be assured, will follow shortly. Another common feature is that the review will find some way to poke fun at one of the editars as somehow being undeserving of the particular Pluhbabe in question. It's usually Bones, because he isn't around to fight back all that much. But what's the fun of picking on somebody who can't, or won't, fight back? For that reason, I nominate Murph to take Bones's place as "editar who has absolutely no chance of scoring with this Pluhbabe." And so, in the course of the usual made-up dialogue, I shall demonstrate why it is that Aria Giovanni doesn't want the Murphbonk and, to the contrary, why she craves the Shaftywarmth. To best illustrate this truism, the made-up dialogue will echo the old "Dating Game" form, in which Aria Giovanni will pose questions to the editars, and then she will make her selection.

*cue cheesy dating game music*

Round One

Aria Giovanni: What do you do for a living?

Kayn: Super Webmastarr 3!

Gawkman: Hmm, programmer, coder, CD mixer, guitar mast--

Murph: Student AND Professional Mega-Mayunn Player!

Shafty: Law priest.

Aria: Oooh, I like priests. You see, my name sounds Italian and, because none of you really did any damn research as to my particular likes and dislikes, I have no choice but to act according to stereotypes. As an Italian, I must therefore be Catholic, and I think that priests are all cool and stuff, with cool hats. Besides, I once did this prOn photo shoot where I was a naughty Catholic schoolgirl, and this priest caught me in the act and punished me and stuff. One point for the law priest.

Round Two

Aria: What kind of car do you drive?

Kayn: POS truck!

Gawkman: POS truck!

Murph: POS truck!

Shafty: Lexus.

Aria: Sorry, editars one through three. Ashley Judd was the Pluhbabe who got turned on by trucks. As an internationally famous prOn star, I am used to the good life and to driving around in fancy cars sipping champagne and eating chocolate-covered strawberries. One point for the guy who drives the luxury car.

Round Three

Aria: If we went out on a date, where would you take me?

Kayn: Is it on my free day? If so, pizza; if not, we'll have beef stroganoff. Then, after dinner, the Kaynbang will commence.

Gawkman: I'm sorry, but I'm really swamped on getting this album mixed and released. We'd probably order in, and you'd watch me get all of the drum tracks to "Prozac Milkshake" put together and properly adjusted.

Murph: BURGER PIE! Then, MEGA MAYUNN!

Shafty: *consults her online "profile"* Hmmm... first, I'd take you out for Italian food, accompanied by a bottle of Cabernet Savignon and ending with a dessert of Creme Brulee. Then we'd attend a symphony or a play, then *cringes* we'd dance until dawn.

Aria: Wow, that sounds like my perfect date! One point for editar number four.

Round Four

Aria: Are you threatened by the fact that I majored in biochemistry in college?

Kayn: Not if biochemistry means "the science of banging Kayn."

Gawkman: Yeah, right, and I'm sure that Denise Richards was really a nuclear scientist in that 007 movie!

Murph: I LIKES TEH FOOD!

Shafty: Not at all. I was actually a biochemistry major for 2 and a half years in college, and I respect your desire to better society through genetics and/or cancer research.

Aria: I'm impressed by your open-mindedness, number four. You get a full point. Editar one gets half a point for his creative answers. Editars one and two both get a point for being in the greatest metal band of all time. Editar three, on the other hand, loses a point for not being responsive to the question, and two points for being in a band with Space Boy. I choose editar number four.

Shafty: Actually, the words you have to say to end this stupid made-up dialogue are "AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYWARMTH NOW!"

Aria: It's not enough to say that I choose you?

Shafty: *taps his watch* We can wait all night to end this dialogue, you know.

Aria: Oh, very well. AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYWARMTH NOW!

Of course she does.

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Boobays/GUUUH! GUUUHHH. 5
Ass/GARF! GARF. 5
Smile/Face Mmmm, Italian... 5
Personality She chose Shafty, which shows great taste. At the same time, she loses half a point for listing Val Kilmer as her favorite actor, and Ally McBeal as her favorite TV show. 4.5
Bang Factor Greatest Pluhbabe ever? No? SHUT UP. 5
0
Final Verdict: 4.9

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

mehran (Guest) dispenses:

Smilie!hi aria i love you
very very very very

fortybelownj dispenses:

Smilie!i loves me some aria

Ol'GayGuy_Ben (Guest) says in non-morse code:

Smilie!ever.

Ol'GayGuy_Ben (Guest) blahs:

Smilie!Looks like shez the hottest pornstar..

faggot (Guest) communicates:

Smilie!yo mama is pregnant cuzza me!

afshin (Guest) dispenses:

Smilie!Robby said:Test, test, vagina. jh

afshin (Guest) jabbers:

Smilie!hi aria

Pain in my anus (Guest) evaporates:

Smilie!Dan said:Dima if you can here me u suck big fat hairy cock...and ur no good at it....she pukes and not spits
lol hand me a beer dude, obviously you've had to many

farnoosh (Guest) un-shut-ups:

Smilie!i need fuk aria

dan un-shut-ups:

Smilie!Guys guys honestly only one of us can have her yea yea oh yay...that ari giovanni is so hot rite now

dan dispenses:

Smilie!Dima if you can here me u suck big fat hairy cock...and ur no good at it....she pukes and not spits

dan declares:

Smilie!HA u know what theres a girl i went out for sumtime who looked so much like aria .....but after a while got borin ....i want the real thing

dan blahs:

Smilie!Damn if Aria was food id eat he all day...without doubt she is the most amzin female on this planet........Aria if you can here me now im all yours..use me do what you want.....

Reburn and the Skidmarks (Guest) conveys:

Smilie!i would kill all of you douchbags for one night with her.

Reburn and the Skidmarks rocks big dick!

ERM (Guest) un-shut-ups:

Smilie!BABABOOIE BABABOOIE BABABOOIE BABABOOIE BABABOOIE BABABOOIE

HOWARD STERN"S PENIS

BABABOOIE BABABOOIE BABABOOIE

pussy river (Guest) forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!what type of porn

rev reb (Guest) forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!holy shit id kill all of you for one night with her with the reburn and the skidmarks cd playing in the background

emnovel (Guest) bakes:

Smilie!i like poron

jim flourentine (Guest) plutoniums:

Smilie!I totally saw a prono with this broad. god shes hot. it also had the dude from Reburn and the Skidmarks in it. thats kinda weird. but shes hot.

mr freakshow dispenses:

Smilie!Hottest woman ever

Name (Guest) discharges:

Smilie!hey aria
you are.................................................................................................
wow u so great model

James (Guest) excretes:

Smilie!Rooga rooga yeh sweet hotness of aria

NAVi (Guest) unleashes:

Smilie!ARIA is THE ABSOLUTE HOTTEST! Sure there are many beautiful women in the world. But you better go Tera Patrick before Brianna Banks. Want another hot pluhbabe try Zdneka Podkapova. However, Aria is still my number one because the camera loves her. If she got into mainstream acting the entire world would also agree. Go get her shafty!!!

Murph dispenses:

Smilie!Shafty has it all wrong, Mega Mayunn comes BEFORE beef pie!

Porn Monkey communicates:

Smilie!OH GOD YES

*SQUIRT*

I need a new pair of pants!

Blar? vocalizes:

Smilie!i thinks it be teh great. i wants to squishie...

Norm blahs:

Smilie!LIES!!!!

Shafty jabbers:

Smilie!No, because Brianna Banks also does "girl on guy" stuff. Guys have no business in prOn. Aria is much purer. Admit your defeat, wretch.

Norm bakes:

Smilie!Briana Banks is hotter.

ALEX (Guest) un-shut-ups:

Smilie!HAHAAH! So much funnay!! So much BOOBAY@!@1

Rawrb splats:

Smilie!GUUUUH! GARRRRF! I CANNOT FATHOM THE HOTNESS OMG LOL LOL ALMFOAWERMWLMAOEFM
Best. Pluhbabe. Ever.
Yes, that IS indeed a BOOBAY.
Silly girl, nobody wears shoes to bed.
More things that Murph will never get to see or touch.
Oops, she slipped off the couch and her underwear fell off!
Look! There are BOOBAYS!
Yes, those DO appear to be Levis.
Ah, yes. Modesty on a prOn star. How refreshing.