At long last, a new Pluhbabe--the uber-hot Aria Giovanni--comes to rescue us from Mrs. Teh's horrible visage. Aria also explains in detail why she wants teh Shaftywarmth, and why Murph will never have a chance with her.
There's an old Metallica song (from before they sold their souls to appeal to the masses) entitled "The Thing That Should Not Be." It kills you, with extreme wrath. It also speaks the true truth. Some things exist that, if all were good and fair, wouldn't. Like: Hair bands. Parking security. Avril Lavigne. AOL. Chick flicks. Salads with no dressing. Infomercials. Diahrrea. Tampon commercials.... err, that is, any commercials that target woman or discuss "feminine hygiene." And, perhaps most importantly, Mr. Teh's Pluhbabe Review of Mrs. Teh. None of us will ever be the same, for having to see that abomination. My eyes are forever stained, and it's not the kind of stain that Tide or even bleach will be able to clean in some sort of nifty commercial. To be quite fair, Mrs. Teh's Pluhbabe review is a pockmark on the soul of Pluh.com, for Mrs. Teh represents everything contrary to those qualities we admire in our loyal squadron of Pluhbabes. Yet, while Kayn and Gawkman labored to produce the Psychostick CD, Murph went to school, Bones fell off the face of the planet, and Shafty fought to eradicate the world of evil lawyers, Mrs. Teh's hideous visage continued to greet any who visited the Pluh News page. My friends, this must be stopped, and its damage undone. But to unwreak the damage that has been done, no ordinary Pluhbabe will do. We need... a SUPAR-PLUHBABE. We need....
(The Greatest Pluhbabe Ever)
Shafty: How's the review sounding so far?
Shafty's Brain: You're getting a bit verbose. Maybe now would be a good time for a Murph insult.
Shafty: Murph is a wanker because he prefers the Judean People's Front to the People's Front of Judea?
Shafty's Brain: Swish!
Sure enough, Shafty stumbled upon Aria Giovanni when searching the Internet for "Greatest Uber-Babe Ever." It also turns out that Aria Giovanni is a prOn star which, naturally, would explain Porn Monkey's preoccupation with her. One online "biography" of her lists the following statistics (yes, I'm 100% confident that those who search the Internet for prOn stars are interested in her favorite color and TV show):
Eye Color: Brown
Hair: Dark Brown
Shoe Size: 8
Dress Size: 7
Birth Place: California
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
Nationality: Italian, Yugoslavian, French, German, Irish, American Indian
Favorite Color: Blue
Her profile also identifies that, although she WILL pose for "girl on girl," she WON'T do "girl on guy." That shows incredible character on her part. Because she apparently won't agree to pose in stupid photos with random stupid-looking naked guys with stupid-looking jiggers, Aria scores millions of Pluh points. Is she smoking-hot? Do ducks quack? The answer to both questions is "HELL YEAH," except when the answer is, "Not if afore-mentioned duck has an upper respiratory infection." Yes, she is surrounded by all kinds of uber-perfection. Try and find a fault in her. Go ahead, peruse the pictures accompanying this review, and then try and nitpick your lousy-ass way into finding some imperfection in this beautiful creation. You suck, you little nitpicking prick and, what's more, you're wrong. Accept her dominion over you.
Generally, almost every Pluhbabe review has a few things in common. All include a made-up dialogue which, you may be assured, will follow shortly. Another common feature is that the review will find some way to poke fun at one of the editars as somehow being undeserving of the particular Pluhbabe in question. It's usually Bones, because he isn't around to fight back all that much. But what's the fun of picking on somebody who can't, or won't, fight back? For that reason, I nominate Murph to take Bones's place as "editar who has absolutely no chance of scoring with this Pluhbabe." And so, in the course of the usual made-up dialogue, I shall demonstrate why it is that Aria Giovanni doesn't want the Murphbonk and, to the contrary, why she craves the Shaftywarmth. To best illustrate this truism, the made-up dialogue will echo the old "Dating Game" form, in which Aria Giovanni will pose questions to the editars, and then she will make her selection.
*cue cheesy dating game music*
Aria Giovanni: What do you do for a living?
Kayn: Super Webmastarr 3!
Gawkman: Hmm, programmer, coder, CD mixer, guitar mast--
Murph: Student AND Professional Mega-Mayunn Player!
Shafty: Law priest.
Aria: Oooh, I like priests. You see, my name sounds Italian and, because none of you really did any damn research as to my particular likes and dislikes, I have no choice but to act according to stereotypes. As an Italian, I must therefore be Catholic, and I think that priests are all cool and stuff, with cool hats. Besides, I once did this prOn photo shoot where I was a naughty Catholic schoolgirl, and this priest caught me in the act and punished me and stuff. One point for the law priest.
Aria: What kind of car do you drive?
Kayn: POS truck!
Gawkman: POS truck!
Murph: POS truck!
Aria: Sorry, editars one through three. Ashley Judd was the Pluhbabe who got turned on by trucks. As an internationally famous prOn star, I am used to the good life and to driving around in fancy cars sipping champagne and eating chocolate-covered strawberries. One point for the guy who drives the luxury car.
Aria: If we went out on a date, where would you take me?
Kayn: Is it on my free day? If so, pizza; if not, we'll have beef stroganoff. Then, after dinner, the Kaynbang will commence.
Gawkman: I'm sorry, but I'm really swamped on getting this album mixed and released. We'd probably order in, and you'd watch me get all of the drum tracks to "Prozac Milkshake" put together and properly adjusted.
Murph: BURGER PIE! Then, MEGA MAYUNN!
Shafty: *consults her online "profile"* Hmmm... first, I'd take you out for Italian food, accompanied by a bottle of Cabernet Savignon and ending with a dessert of Creme Brulee. Then we'd attend a symphony or a play, then *cringes* we'd dance until dawn.
Aria: Wow, that sounds like my perfect date! One point for editar number four.
Aria: Are you threatened by the fact that I majored in biochemistry in college?
Kayn: Not if biochemistry means "the science of banging Kayn."
Gawkman: Yeah, right, and I'm sure that Denise Richards was really a nuclear scientist in that 007 movie!
Murph: I LIKES TEH FOOD!
Shafty: Not at all. I was actually a biochemistry major for 2 and a half years in college, and I respect your desire to better society through genetics and/or cancer research.
Aria: I'm impressed by your open-mindedness, number four. You get a full point. Editar one gets half a point for his creative answers. Editars one and two both get a point for being in the greatest metal band of all time. Editar three, on the other hand, loses a point for not being responsive to the question, and two points for being in a band with Space Boy. I choose editar number four.
Shafty: Actually, the words you have to say to end this stupid made-up dialogue are "AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYWARMTH NOW!"
Aria: It's not enough to say that I choose you?
Shafty: *taps his watch* We can wait all night to end this dialogue, you know.
Aria: Oh, very well. AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYWARMTH NOW!
Of course she does.
|Personality||She chose Shafty, which shows great taste. At the same time, she loses half a point for listing Val Kilmer as her favorite actor, and Ally McBeal as her favorite TV show.||4.5|
|Bang Factor||Greatest Pluhbabe ever? No? SHUT UP.||5|
|Final Verdict: 4.9|