ESPN recently named Gabrielle Reece as one of the ten sexiest athletes in the world. # 9, to be precise. Feeling snubbed by not being named #1, Gabby? Come put your head on Shafty's shoulder while he consoles you with teh news that, unlike numbers 1 through 8, YOU have been named the only, and therefore SEXIEST, PLUHBABE ATHLETE EVAR!!!
Ah, volleyball. It's a girl's sport, like ice skating or foxy boxing or mud wrestling. Yet even teh manly testosterone SHAFTY MAYUNN had to endure three weeks of volleyball during high school P.E. class. We hated this girly sport because nobody knew how to hit the ball right. When serving the ball, we would instead try to hit it as high as possible, hoping to get the ball stuck in the raftars so that we wouldn't have to play anymore and could instead play the far-more-popular BOMBARDMENT. Where men are men, and sissy men get hit in the face with rubber balls! No such luck on getting the volleyball into the rafters. So we learned to make the best of it and entertain ourselves notwithstanding the game's DUMBNESS. In bounds, out of bounds, who cares? The purpose of volleyball, as we learned it, was to carom the ball off of your opponent's forehead as hard as possible. Which is difficult to do since somebody put a damn net in the way. What does this have to do with our newest Pluhbabe? Nothing, really. I'm just trying to fill space, you see, because...
Shafty: *flexes fingers, sits down to type Pluhbabe review* Okay, I shall now type my Gabrielle Reece Pluhbabe review. Mmm, Gabrielle Reece, BOING.
Shafty's Brain: *raps on side of head* Hellooooooooooo? Anybody in here? Hellooooo?
Shafty: Huh? Oh, it's you again. Hi, brain.
Shafty's Brain: Whatcha doin'?
Shafty: Umm, nothing. Just writing my Pluhbabe review.
Shafty's Brain: Uh-oh. You didn't tell me we were going to do this...
Shafty: That's because all of my blood was diverted elsewhere, of course.
Shafty's Brain: Who's the PluhBabe?
Shafty: Gabrielle Reece.
Shafty's Brain: *shaking head, or something worth shaking* Tsk tsk tsk. Gabrielle Reece? What do you know about Gabrielle Reece? NOTHING, I would wager.
Shafty: Oh, I'll think of something, I'm sure. Maybe I'll just fill space talking about volleyball in general.
Shafty's Brain: Whatever, man. I'm going out for a beer, you want to come?
Shafty: Yeah, I'm getting nowhere with this review.
So it turns out there's a "professional" volleyball circuit. I bet there are only like two teams, a la that old NES game Double Dribble, and the teams are named something like "Blockers" and "Spikers." *shrugs* To put things in proper perspective, there's probably also a "professional" league for Magic: The Gathering, too, so nyaaah! (Team names: "GREMLONS" and "TEH HAPPY LITTLE ELVES.") Anyway, there's really only one "professional" volleyballer who counts, anyway:
She's uber-hot. As Kayn described once, "nuclear bangable." Lean-muscled, tanned, lithe body from years of athletics, but boasting teh CURVES O' DEATH that make you say, "It's not possible to be lean and strong like that but have such a bodacious harvest o' boobies! She aer immortal Pluh-goddess!" Expressed mathematically:
Femininity + Strong Athletic Body = Lack of Blood Supply to Shafty's Brain
What sets her apart from most other Pluhbabes? Mostly childish freak fantasy about how her athleticism must automatically translate into bedroom prowess, no doubt. You probably have to be one of those guys who doesn't mind if the girl can kick your ass to truly appreciate her uber-hottedness. That be Shafty.
Shafty's Brain: See? Now you're stuck with nothing else to say, except "I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SECCKS WITH HER!" I told you so.
Shafty: Shut up, stupid brain! You go squish now! *bodyslams his brain*
Here's the drawback, though. According to CelebMatch.com, which compares your biorhythm with the celebrity's to see how well you'd match up:
Ah well, who cares if we have nothing to talk about, she's teh HOTTS!
What do biorhythms know, anyway? Boo. Ah well, at least I have the consolation of SECCKKSY pictarrs of her and my imagination, which allows me to create the usual phony dialogue:
*After a rather vigorous sand volleyball match, a sweaty yet sensual Gabrielle is headed off the court when Shafty appoaches, pretending to get an autograph.*
Shafty: Great, um, match or something! That was cool as sh*t when you banged it at that guy's head and his head fell off and blood spurted everywhere!
Gabrielle: *in eastern-european/russian accent* I aer good at killing things, ja!
Gabrielle: *with no accent* Wait, I am American, not Russian! Why did you give me an accent?
Shafty: *shrugs* This is a made-up dialogue, you see. I'd never heard you speak before and, because you are all sexy and athletic and stuff, I assumed that you were Russian because all sexy athletes are Russian, like Anna Pornikova and that Brigette Nielsen from Rocky IV where she plays the foxy Russian chick. Mmm, foxy Russian...
Gabrielle: *rolls eyes, and turns away*
Shafty: Wait! Umm, congratulations! You have been named as Pluhbabe of the bi-month!
Gabrielle: Pluhbabe? Does that have anything to do with volleyball?
Shafty: Um, yeah, umm, sure! Well, kinda. It's because of what a good ball-banger you are!
Gabrielle: "Ball-banger?" You perverted little creep. *turns away in disgust*
Shafty: Wait! You have a little bit of sand there. Let me help. *reaches for her boobies*
Gabrielle: You're out of bounds!!!! *slaps his hand really hard, and advances to kill him*
Shafty: Aaaaahhh, don't kill me!
Gabrielle: *poised for death-strike, but halts* Wait. "Kill" is a volleyball term! You talk the lingo? That kinda turns me on...
Shafty: Heh heh, can I insert my "spike" into you, then?
Shafty: Wait! Don't "block" my attempts to "net" you!
Gabrielle: Fine, whatever, this is a made-up dialogue anyway so I'll pretend I'm turned on. Umm, what am I supposed to say now?
Shafty: Say, "AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYWARMTH NOW!" It's kind of a catchphrase, you see, that all of my Pluhbabes say before we have sex.
Gabrielle: "Teh?" "Shaftywarmth?" Are we still speaking English?
Shafty: Made-up dialogue, remember?
Gabrielle: Oh yeah. Umm, AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYWARMTH NOW!
Shafty: Yeah, "dive" for those balls! Yay!
|Boobays/GUUUH!||She always hides 'em, but my over-generalization BONE proclaims that they must be athletic and perky!||5|
|Smile/Face||A little bit too much time in the sun. Sun damages skin. Still hottar than the sun itself.||4|
|Personality||She spikes volleyballs at opponents' heads! How nice could she be? More importantly, though--she's hot. Does it matter whether she's nice?||4|
|Bang Factor||She can bang balls really hard. Shafty could bang her really hard.||5|
|Final Verdict: 4.6|