From Mercedes to Rollergirl, this jaw-dropping female rolls over hearts. HAHA! I'm FUNNY! I said she "rolls over hearts", and Mercedes have wheels, and the "roller" in "Rollergirl" refers to wheels, which roll, so therefore I made a logical connection between the two, even though they were different characters from movies, proving that my wit cannot be held back by a simple...

Editor's Note: We've seen her boobies.

Okay then, it is time. I have waited long enough, and now it is time. "Time to what?" you ask. Time to go get a snowcone. *runs errand*

Now that I'm back, I shall review incredibly comely Heather Graham. Memories of this girl goes way back to a movie called "License to Drive", in which there was a beautiful girl in it is playing a character by the name of Mercedes. If you've never seen this movie, then you will go and rent it now, for it is extremely high in humor content. Be sure to listen for one of the most hilarious statements in the whole movie: "HIIIIIIIIII how ya' doin?"

Anyway, this is not a movie review, but I just had to tell about that movie, because when I first saw it, I was about half the age that I am now. She was way older than me at the time, and at the time I was almost too young to really show that much interest in girls. Heather Graham was one of those that got me started. So this sets the stage for today's review, and gives you an idea of what deep, um, *cough* admiration I have for her and her... roles in movies that often has her showing her... talent.

Well, last summer I saw Austin Powers 2, and it rekindled my flame for her (OW! My pubic hairs!). After seeing this, I understand that she not only is still as attractive as she was before, she is even MORE SO. And I don't care if people says she's a bad actor; that's not why we like her! And I can show you seem TRULY bad acting if you want to laugh your ass off (see low-budget film Witch Trap). She is great in this movie. She's also great in Boogie Nights as the legendary Rollergirl who never takes her skates off (even during sex). I like a consistent girl. I also like a girl that likes to get naked in movies. That's reason enough to rent Boogie Nights. I did. You will too.

Well, I had fun doing this review to say the least. It brought back a lot of memories, and gave me a lot of... inspiration. I have to leave you with the traditional "if we could only" dialogue.

Heather: Hey, aren't you that handsome stud named Gawkman that's on Pluhextreme?
Gawkman: That is true.
Heather: I've wanted to meet you for ever.
Gawkman: Me too! Back when I...
Heather: Let's go have sex.
Gawkman: But don't you want to first...
Heather: NOW!
Gawkman: Well, I'm not one to keep a lady waiting, so... Hey, aren't you going to take off your skates?
Heather: I never take them off!
Gawkman: Yer.


Category Comment Rating
Boobays/GUUUH! See "Boogie Nights". 5
Ass/GARF! See "Boogie Nights". 5
Smile/Face Yer. 4.5
Personality A blonde tire. 1.5
Bang Factor Bring it on. 4.5
Final Verdict: 4.1


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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Boobmeister! (Guest) discharges:

I see your hiny, it's gold and shiney...
I happen give excellent foot massages.
Woh... nice couch.
What is she sitting on?
Mmm... parabolic properties.
I as well.
Think unsexy thoughts; think unsexy thoughts.
You look that way, and I'll look that way.