Holy crap, a review AND news post by Shafty in the same week? What's next, Murph actually getting some action? HAHAH HAHAHAHAHRHARHARRRRR
If one were to ignore the most recent Pluhbabe review, which I am inclined to do for at least three reasons, it's been freaking forever since the one before that. Why should we ignore Gawkman's Pluhbabe review of Juliette Lewis?
For your lousy choice of a Pluhbabe and for the extreme lack of effort displayed in your review, Gawkman, you get this:
STICK IN EYE!
Once again I am placed in the position of having to find a better-than-average Pluhbabe to make up for the previous Pluhbabe's being a dog. Once again, Shafty comes through in the clutch... this week/month/year/whatever-time-frame-before-the-next-one-gets-posted is...
She's the greatest softball pitcher ever, recently graduated from the University of Arizona, has won championships at every level she's played, is a regular contributor on This Week in Baseball, and is now going for Olympic gold on the USA softball team. Oh, she's also incredibly hot. This undeniable fact was confirmed when ESPN named her Hottest Female Athlete of the Year. Playboy has also tried to get her to do a cover spread (which she declined). But those honors compare nothing to being named a Pluhbabe. Just ask Jennie:
ESPN: You've been named our Hottest Female Athlete of the Year!
Jennie: Uh, thank you.
Playboy: Come get nekkid in our magazine!
Jennie: Thank you, but that's not what I represent.
Shafty: Congratulations, you're a Pluhbabe!
Jennie: A what? Aren't you that guy who always sends weird questions for me to answer in my FAQ?
Well, what did you expect--the made-up dialogue part doesn't appear until later, and we have no reason to believe she's honored to be (or even aware of her status as) a Pluhbabe. Hell, Playboy will get anybody to pose (including that dog Darva Conger, whose dogface even outdogged her doggy body), so it's not exactly an honor to get asked to pose there. By contrast (except for Juliette Lewis and Mrs. Teh), all of the Pluhbabes carry significant credentials to establish their worthiness. And it's about time we have another athletic Pluhbabe especially given that, until now, we've had twice as many country singers named as Pluhbabes. Yecch.
Jennie Finch was born in California on September 3, 1980 and, as I alluded to earlier, she's played softball since she was a little girl, leading her teams to national championships. She also led the University of Arizona to a national championship, and is THE star of the USA softball team currently going for gold at the Olympics. She's become so popular that she now hosts a regular segment on This Week in Baseball, and has struck out SEVERAL major league ballplayers (who foolishly think that, because she's a girl, they're going to knock her pitches out of the stadium). Among the Pluhbabes, she is uniquely talented, doing for softball what Michael Jordan did for the NBA and Mia Hamm did for women's soccer--bringing worldwide attention to her sport.
To top it off, though, she's very, very, very nice. She takes a fair amount of time to answer questions on her website, which has an FAQ page. And they aren't stock answers; she obviously spends a lot of time paying attention to her fans. Naturally, almost all of the questions she answers are from girls playing softball, and I've NEVER seen her respond to a "Hey, you're a supremely hot chick; want to do me?" sort of question. From what I've read, she's also very modest about the attention she receives.
But this category isn't called, "Nice Chicks who Know How to Quilt" and, fortunately for this review, Jennie Finch is also SMOKING HOT. She's tall (6 foot), blond with blue eyes, lithe, athletic, and has kickin' curves. I mean, holy freaking crap, she's hot. Unfortunately, she is engaged to a Diamondbacks pitcher, despite the clear availability of Kayn only a few hours away. That shows terrible judgment on her part--between a #4 starting pitcher on a Diamondbacks team with mostly poor pitching (other than Randy Johnson) VERSUS an available Supar Webmastarr 3 who beat Doom 3 in only a few days, she chose the pitcher. Poor, Jennie, poor.
Because all of the questions I submitted to her FAQ page were unanswered, I have to resort to the usual made-up dialogue:
Shafty: If you were pitching to me, what sort of moves would I need to make to round third base and come home?
Jennie: Ooh, I just love it when random Internet guys feed me stupid pickup lines. Keep 'em coming, big boy!
Shafty: Do you prefer to pitch or catch?
Jennie: I can't help myself, you're just so witty and clever!
Shafty: Would you rather play with a long bat, or a thick bat, or Shafty's bat, which is both long and thick?
Jennie: *all over Shafty*
Shafty: Wait, you haven't said the catchphrase yet.
Jennie: Oh yeah, I forgot that part in my haste to take you to bed because of your clevarness. How does it go now? AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYBANG NOW!
Shafty: ShaftyWARMTH. It's "Kaynbang," "Murphbonk," "Gawkmanfornication," or "Shaftywarmth."
Jennie: Shaftybang, Shaftywarmth, whatever. *pounce*
|Body||Sooo hot, want to touch teh hiney...||4.5|
|Personality||Very nice, although won't ever answer my e-mail questions in her FAQ!||5|
|Talent||Can strike out major leaguers, best softball pitcher ever.||5|
|Bang Factor||Terrible taste in Arizona men is a huge detriment. Still supar-bangable, though.||4.5|
|Final Verdict: 4.7|