Holy crap, a review AND news post by Shafty in the same week? What's next, Murph actually getting some action? HAHAH HAHAHAHAHRHARHARRRRR

Gawkman Needs to be Pummeled with a Trumpet or Some Other Blunt Instrument.

If one were to ignore the most recent Pluhbabe review, which I am inclined to do for at least three reasons, it's been freaking forever since the one before that. Why should we ignore Gawkman's Pluhbabe review of Juliette Lewis?

  1. She's a nasty ho-bag skank.
  2. Laziest Pluhbabe review ever!
  3. I saw her boobays in the movie Kalifornia, and they were most decidedly NOT Pluhbabe-worthy.
  4. For your lousy choice of a Pluhbabe and for the extreme lack of effort displayed in your review, Gawkman, you get this:

    Lazy, lazy Gawkman finally gets his.


    Shafty Saves the Day, Again! Huzzah, Reward Him with the Giving of Money, Honays and Supar-Boobays!

    Once again I am placed in the position of having to find a better-than-average Pluhbabe to make up for the previous Pluhbabe's being a dog. Once again, Shafty comes through in the clutch... this week/month/year/whatever-time-frame-before-the-next-one-gets-posted is...

    Jennie Finch.

    She's the greatest softball pitcher ever, recently graduated from the University of Arizona, has won championships at every level she's played, is a regular contributor on This Week in Baseball, and is now going for Olympic gold on the USA softball team. Oh, she's also incredibly hot. This undeniable fact was confirmed when ESPN named her Hottest Female Athlete of the Year. Playboy has also tried to get her to do a cover spread (which she declined). But those honors compare nothing to being named a Pluhbabe. Just ask Jennie:

    ESPN: You've been named our Hottest Female Athlete of the Year!

    Jennie: Uh, thank you.

    Playboy: Come get nekkid in our magazine!

    Jennie: Thank you, but that's not what I represent.

    Shafty: Congratulations, you're a Pluhbabe!

    Jennie: A what? Aren't you that guy who always sends weird questions for me to answer in my FAQ?

    Well, what did you expect--the made-up dialogue part doesn't appear until later, and we have no reason to believe she's honored to be (or even aware of her status as) a Pluhbabe. Hell, Playboy will get anybody to pose (including that dog Darva Conger, whose dogface even outdogged her doggy body), so it's not exactly an honor to get asked to pose there. By contrast (except for Juliette Lewis and Mrs. Teh), all of the Pluhbabes carry significant credentials to establish their worthiness. And it's about time we have another athletic Pluhbabe especially given that, until now, we've had twice as many country singers named as Pluhbabes. Yecch.

    The "See, I Did Some Research" Part of the Review.

    Jennie Finch was born in California on September 3, 1980 and, as I alluded to earlier, she's played softball since she was a little girl, leading her teams to national championships. She also led the University of Arizona to a national championship, and is THE star of the USA softball team currently going for gold at the Olympics. She's become so popular that she now hosts a regular segment on This Week in Baseball, and has struck out SEVERAL major league ballplayers (who foolishly think that, because she's a girl, they're going to knock her pitches out of the stadium). Among the Pluhbabes, she is uniquely talented, doing for softball what Michael Jordan did for the NBA and Mia Hamm did for women's soccer--bringing worldwide attention to her sport.

    To top it off, though, she's very, very, very nice. She takes a fair amount of time to answer questions on her website, which has an FAQ page. And they aren't stock answers; she obviously spends a lot of time paying attention to her fans. Naturally, almost all of the questions she answers are from girls playing softball, and I've NEVER seen her respond to a "Hey, you're a supremely hot chick; want to do me?" sort of question. From what I've read, she's also very modest about the attention she receives.

    Journalism Ends, Ogling Begins.

    But this category isn't called, "Nice Chicks who Know How to Quilt" and, fortunately for this review, Jennie Finch is also SMOKING HOT. She's tall (6 foot), blond with blue eyes, lithe, athletic, and has kickin' curves. I mean, holy freaking crap, she's hot. Unfortunately, she is engaged to a Diamondbacks pitcher, despite the clear availability of Kayn only a few hours away. That shows terrible judgment on her part--between a #4 starting pitcher on a Diamondbacks team with mostly poor pitching (other than Randy Johnson) VERSUS an available Supar Webmastarr 3 who beat Doom 3 in only a few days, she chose the pitcher. Poor, Jennie, poor.

    Did You Notice How Many Euphemisms for Sex there are in Baseball?

    Because all of the questions I submitted to her FAQ page were unanswered, I have to resort to the usual made-up dialogue:

    Shafty: If you were pitching to me, what sort of moves would I need to make to round third base and come home?

    Jennie: Ooh, I just love it when random Internet guys feed me stupid pickup lines. Keep 'em coming, big boy!

    Shafty: Do you prefer to pitch or catch?

    Jennie: I can't help myself, you're just so witty and clever!

    Shafty: Would you rather play with a long bat, or a thick bat, or Shafty's bat, which is both long and thick?

    Jennie: *all over Shafty*

    Shafty: Wait, you haven't said the catchphrase yet.

    Jennie: Oh yeah, I forgot that part in my haste to take you to bed because of your clevarness. How does it go now? AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYBANG NOW!

    Shafty: ShaftyWARMTH. It's "Kaynbang," "Murphbonk," "Gawkmanfornication," or "Shaftywarmth."

    Jennie: Shaftybang, Shaftywarmth, whatever. *pounce*



    Category Comment Rating
    Body Sooo hot, want to touch teh hiney... 4.5
    Smile/Face Just gorgeous. 4.5
    Personality Very nice, although won't ever answer my e-mail questions in her FAQ! 5
    Talent Can strike out major leaguers, best softball pitcher ever. 5
    Bang Factor Terrible taste in Arizona men is a huge detriment. Still supar-bangable, though. 4.5
    Final Verdict: 4.7


    blog comments powered by Disqus
    The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

    Rawrb splats:

    Smilie!Tim said:I went to college with her! Hurry U of A hot chicks!!!!!!!!! ASU Sucks!! HAR!!! WHAT I say is important!! OOH! Hey man, didja meet her? Should pass along my info and go, "drop that loser and go for a guy named RAWRB!"

    Tim (Guest) un-shut-ups:

    Smilie!I went to college with her! Hurry U of A hot chicks!!!!!!!!! ASU Sucks!! HAR!!! WHAT I say is important!!

    Rawrb un-shut-ups:

    Smilie!Jennie strikes out major leaguers and olympians. But most of all, she strikes out my heart!*dodges barriage of sharp thrown objects*

    Rawrb plutoniums:

    Smilie!It's been my experience to assume people are stupid and don't know jack about shit, so good call Shafty.

    Shafty excretes:

    Smilie!My original choice had been to bludgeon you with a fife, but I figured nobody would know what that is.

    Gawkman bakes:

    The irony of being bludgeoned with an instrument I used to be proud of playing...

    Rawrb plutoniums:

    Smilie!Yeah Jenni. What's up with that. Wouldn't you rather date a non-athletic computer nerd who's idea of fun is writing code while listening to Dilinger Escape Plan instead of some up-and-coming Diamondbacks pitcher? I mean, a pitcher dating a pitcher, come on now.The choice SHOULD be obvious. ;)
A gift that shows absolutely no creativity whatsoever.
Hey, I know a place in the mall that will make a Shafty baseball card, too!
I don't blame you, I wouldn't support your hometown Diamondbacks, either.
One Pluhbabe, one guy who's studly enough to get her, and one fat old man who's as close to her as he will EVER be.
So much hott.
ESPN Sexiest Athlete of the Year. This cannot be doubted.
Best. Photo. Editing. Job. EVER.