Oh nos, the dreaded supermodel/actress/musician combination! Run for fear that you will be assaulted by the oh-so-mediocre hordes of Steven Seagal ("actor"/"musician"), Jennifer Lopez (model/"singer"/"actress") and Dennis Rodman (athlete/"actor"/ass-clown)! Will Shafty's certain contempt for Milla Jovovich's career ambitions get in the way of his desire to give her the Shaftywarmth?
Is it possible that it's been five months since the last Pluhbabe review? Bloody hell. Surely our Pluh.comrades are not content with the lack of BOOBAYS content. A new lust target has been in order for quite some time, but the standards for Pluhbabedom are just so demanding that few chicks meet these lofty criteria:
Other factors that are considered, but ascribed much less importance, are (1) the purported Pluhbabe's face, and (2) her personality. For example, chicks of somewhat less hotness have been crowned Pluhbabes because of other redeeming qualities. On the other hand, although Shannon Doherty has often been described as evil incarnate, she might squeeze in as a Pluhbabe because, ever since she hotted herself up for that Sci-Fi show "Scare Tactics," well:
DAY-UMM! GIVEz ME TEM BOOBAYS!
Ahem. I was flipping channels this past weekend, when I came across the Bruce Willis movie The Fifth Element. I dig this movie, although I don't know why. The plot is... decent. The effects are... slightly above average. The music is... pretty good. The acting is... good. The ending is... okay. Oh wait, now I remember why I like this movie:
Milla Jovovich in the "thermal tape" nipply outfit.
Milla Jovovich was born in the Ukraine on December 17, 1975, the daughter of a Serbian pediatrician and a Russian stage actress. When Milla was six years old, the family moved to the United States where she began to model. By the age of twelve, she had been named one of Revlon's "Most Unforgettable Women in the World." So, of course, she decided to plunge into making movies. Apparently, she's been in a whole host of movies I've never seen: Two Moon Junction, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Kuffs, He Got Game, The Messenger, The Million Dollar Hotel, The Claim, The House on Turk Street, Dummy, You Stupid Man, Resident Evil, and Red America. I just don't give one damn about any of those movies but, because we haven't had a new review in a little while, I'll offer the Mel Brooks "short, short" review of the ones I have seen:
Chaplin: *snore* *barf*
Dazed and Confused: Oh, so cool.
The Fifth Element: YeahWHEEE!
Zoolander: Dumb, not in a good Pluh way.
She then left the movie business to continue modeling, as well as pursue... *choke* a "budding interest in singing." Here we go. In 1994, she released her first album, entitled "Milla: The Divine Comedy." As one critic put it, "You'd expect this to be a travesty." Actually, though, her voice is pretty good. Milla's now been married, and divorced, twice: once to some yutz from Dazed and Confused, another time to some director dork. Now she's back on the market, apparently.
This is such a cool part of the review. Here, I get to be unbelievably shallow and picky, and criticize the heavenly body of the Pluhbabe I've selected. Hypocritically, I then try to convince her in a made-up dialogue that she really does want the Shaftywarmth. So let the criticism begin. Milla's got great eyes. But she's too skinny. As a result, her BOOBAYS are on the smallish side. They're perfectly round and perky, though, so all is not lost. She's also pretty short in the GARF department. She needs to eat more ice cream or something. And not throw it up afterward. That's the problem with supermodels: they're so thin that, even if they make you want to have secks with them, if they gave you the chance, you'd accidentally break them in half. Maybe that's why they always marry other weight-conscious actors and pansy-ass directors.
Shafty's Brain: Look, there's Milla Jovovich! We need to think of a way to get her naked.
Shafty: Leave this to me.
Shafty's Brain: Oh, shit. That's always a recipe for disaster.
Shafty: Shut up, you. Hey, Murph, c'mere a second.
Murph: FORK ENVELOPE!
Shafty: *yelling* OH MY GOD! THIS GUY'S ARM JUST FELL OFF AND BLOOD'S SPURTING EVERYWHERE! DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY FIRST AID TAPE THEY CAN GIVE ME SO MURPH WON'T DIE?
Shafty's Brain: Hey, that's pretty clever. Maybe she'll give you some tape from that outfit she's wearing?
Milla: *looks at Murph* His arm looks fine to me.
Shafty: *cuts Murph's arm off with a machete* How about now?
Murph: Bloody hell!
Milla: Luckily, I have an extra roll of tape right here. You can use that!
Shafty's Brain: Nice work. Your clever plan backfired.
Milla: Your shallow disregard for human life or basic human decency turns me on!
Shafty: It does?
Milla: Of course. This is a made-up dialogue, remember?
Shafty: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Milla: AAAARRRGGHHH, I MUST HAVE TEH SHAFTYWARMTH NOW! *sheds clothes*
Damn, being an editar really has its fringe benefits. Unless you're Murph, that is.
|Boobays/GUUUH!||Small, but perky.||4.5|
|Ass/GARF!||Eat something, please.||3.5|
|Smile/Face||Those eyes will kill you.||5|
|Personality||How the hell would I know?||4|
|Bang Factor||She would break in two, but at least there would be some tape to put her back together.||5|
|Final Verdict: 4.4|