Rachael Leigh Cook

Written by Isikins on August 12th 2009, 12:13 AM (

A summation of a beautiful girl ... who is married. Fuckshit.

Isikins's Final Verdict!

Boobays/GUUUH!

4.5/5

As if there needed to be a rating for her. HAH!

Ass/GARF!

5/5

... come over here?

Smile/Face

5/5

To die for. Not kidding. This woman is gorgeous through and through.

Personality

4.5/5

Shy. Quiet. Not very good jokes. Wonderful. Optimistic.

Bang Factor

5/5

Dude ... all day.

Isikins worthy.

5/5

I'm a huge creep.

Overall: 4.8333333333333/5

Agree? Disagree? Impartial? Stupid? Comment on it!

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK

Rachael Leigh Cook is the musical genius to my fantasy rock band in the sky. What is there to say about Rachael Leigh Cook that hasn't been said already? Wait ... people say things about her? I'm sure they do. I was watching an episode of Red Eye on the Fox News Network (when it comes to babes, they know their shit ... for reals) and who pops up but none other than Rachael Leigh Cook. Understandably, the host of the show, Joe Whogivesafuck, constantly bombarded the poor woman with nothing but compliments. They talked about a few things like her new movie that digs yet another hole in her sad, dwindling career, her modeling past, and some politics, I think. I can't remember. Joe Whogivesafuck was giving me a huge headache. Anyways, Cook confided to the man that she had started as a model when she was eight. The host responded with, "were you that hot as an eight-year old?" And, of all the possible, super self-important righteous answers she could have given, she went with the one that suggested the least to these seemingly pedophile assessments. "I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with you even asking that question." Touche.

I look back on the pluhbabes I've done in the past (all one of them) and I realized that something is missing. Someone who has an earthly sense of beauty. Someone who's beauty transcends all possible thought. The Ophelia to my Hamlet. Rachael has always been the constant in that department ... at least, ever since I was fourteen and saw Josie and the Pussycats for the first time. Once again, as any pluh writer will tell you, I've never had the pleasure to meet this woman in person, so on a personal stance, I don't know much about her. All I know is that she really digs those ridiculous Sacha Baron Cohen romps like Bruno and Borat, and she digs Barack Obama, which probably means she's a democrat. Also, she's married to an Aussie, which means we both like members of the opposite sex from the opposite side of the world. She's a native from Minnesota, which means she's a rare bred hottie from a state known better for their lakes than their women. And ... um ... don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's a lovely, multidimentional woman with a lot of brains, big ideas, aspirations, and passions, but it's easy to look at her and become fixated on hotness. Lots of it too. So ... much ... hot.

Brass tax, Isikins! Boobs! Butt! Bang factor! The meat of the article ... so to speak.

Oh, come on now! Why do we have to be so objectifying? We can look at a number of things from all kinds of different angles. For one, I believe her to be a minefield of untapped potential. Just look at that cute face. She could be hiding the ferocity of a psycho killer! And, as Heath Ledger proved in The Dark Knight, potential can be tapped into during the later part of a young person's 20's. Sure, she is a couple months short of 30, but that doesn't mean that it's time for a comeback? Amirite? Perhaps she needs a certain ... Pulp Fiction in her life. If John Travolta can do it, why can't Rachael Leigh Cook? I mean ... just look at her! She's beautiful, she can hold down a lead role ... she's beautiful ...

Alright fine! There are several aesthetic pleasures to this woman ... abundant aesthetic pleasures to be totally honest. One look at her and you're sent swooning. For me, it wasn't so much a specific part of her body, so much as how her whole being came together. She is beautiful, yes, but she holds herself up modestly. You can tell in her posture, in her speech pattern ... she's a shy girl. I like shy girls. I like them even more when they are intelligent, talented, and most importanly, interested in me. Unfortunately, the latter she is not, making this goofy pluhbabe a little more creepy than I intended it to be. But who cares? Childhood crushes are supposed to be a little obsessive, right?

Uhhhh, I guess.

Oh, come ON dear reader! The whole point here is to dabble in the appreciation we hold as the "everyday man" in the aesthetic pleasure we take in looking at a beautiful girl that we will never ever have. Well, that I will never ever have, but don't worry. One day I will find my own personal pluhbabe who I can hang around with and play ... Batman: Arkham Asylum with. No, seriously, any girl who is interested in Batman, Video Games, Weeds, Incubus, Music, Film, the reading of endless film reviews, playing with editing programs for both film and music, and ... wow, I never realized that I was interested in so many things. Point is, Rachael deserves her spot in the pantheon of pluhbabes. Just have a look at her. She looks great, she'll be hitting 30 in under a month, and her career is ... well, we don't have to talk about that, do we? What am I missing here ...