Many of you would speculate that it's going to take another four years for us to actually get through the second and third installments of the Booblympics. SHUT UP.
Wow. It's been almost two years since Booblympics Heat 1 (Australia vs. Brazil) was first posted. The original idea had been to post the entire competition--to consist of three "heats," followed by the finals ("The Championship Boob-off")--in time for the Booblympics to coincide with the original 2004 Olympics in Athens. Oops.
On the bright side, two additional years has provided more time in which to locate more photos of the original Booblympics competitors, and to locate new Boobathletes. On the downside, the way things are going, it may not be until the next Olympic games in 2008 (Beijing, I think) before this stupid series concludes.
For those who don't remember--and really, if you can't remember something I said like two years ago, what the hell use are you to anybody--this competition has nothing to do with the Boobathletes' personalities, wills to win, competitive drives, or any of the rest of that crap. In the Pluh Booblympics, there will be no "look at all that she's overcome to get here" stories, such as those that plague the original Olympic games so as to render them largely unwatchable.
Instead, our purpose is as clear as it can be: to candidly judge female athletes from around the world according to the pictorial quality of their breasts and tail. Our judges have not been offered promises of any kind by any of the athletes involved--and Lord knows we tried to contact them to see if they would exchange sexual favors for improved grading in this competition--so the results are just about as fair as can be. Damn stuck-up Olympic athletes not willing to play the "game" with us. You'll wish you had, when the rest of your life is devoted to making "guest appearances" at the opening of new Wal-Marts and Krusty Burgers, and participating in the occasional "where are they now" stories to be aired--but not watched by anybody--on subsequent Olympics broadcasts. *shakes fist at them*
Another disclaimer: The author has no idea whatsoever whether any of these "Olympians" actually competed in the Athens Olympics. To verify same would require far more effort than we Pluh.com editors are "paid" to put forth. (Notice that "paid" is also in quotes.) More terrifying than that is that the undersigned might actually have to watch the Olympic games to find out whether any of the Boobathletes included here made it through the various qualifying crap they have to go through to compete on the highest level. For that reason, I can't even confirm that these Boobathletes compete in sports that are even featured in the Olympic games. I'd hazard a guess, for example, that golf isn't an Olympic sport. But because I want to post scantily-clad pictures of Natalie Gulbis when it comes time for Heat 3 (involving the U.S.), I've just decided to do so regardless of the consequences. Therefore, what's set forth here is simply the hottest of each country's ladies who showed up in Internet searches for "hot female Olympians." Whether they competed in the actual Olympics, or how they finished in the Olympic games, is pretty damn near irrelevant to me.
Let the lechery commence!
*a song that sounds vaguely like the official Olympic anthem, had it been played on a really cheap Casio keyboard--but which has a few notes transposed here and there to avoid copyright violations--begins to play in the background*
You just knew that the Germans were going to make a damn strong showing in the BOOBAYS competition. (That like four of them appeared in a Playboy pictorial leading up the Olympics didn't hurt much, either. A fifth athlete who posed nude--a German volleyballer--was intentionally omitted, because I found her just outright mannish and unworthy of entry.)
(From Left: Fencer Britta Heidemann, Hockey Player Fanny Rinne, Track & Field uh... runner... Susan Tiedtke, and Swimmer Franziska van Almsick)
Seriously, having seen the impressive effort put forth by the Germans, do we even need to see the Italians?
Yes. Yes, we do. Alas, we were able to locate only two Italian competitors: Francesca Piccinini and Maurizia Cacciatori, both from the Olympic volleyball team. Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed at Italy. For a nation that supposedly elected a porn star to their national Parliament, Italy couldn't manage to produce more than two great-looking female athletes. Not that Francesca and Maurizia are undeserving of consideration, mind you:
It's just that, well, the Germans just set the bar so high that--no matter Francesca's amazing contribution to the sport, I just don't think I can reach any other conclusion other than that the Germans overwhelmingly demonstrate their superiority in the BOOBAYS competition. No offense to the Italians is intended; both ladies are gorgeous and all, but there's just two of them... and only Francesca is willing to show off her GUUUHHHs. Perhaps the Italians can mount a better showing in the GARF department?
Indeed, they can. If the BOOBAYS category was Francesca's specialty, now it's time for Maurizia to shine. First, Francesca:
Just phenomenal. But she can't hold a candle to her countryma... err, woman Maurizia, whose tuckus is alleged to have launched a thousand ships:
The judges have met to discuss, and .... YES! THE ITALIANS HAVE RECEIVED A PERFECT SCORE IN THE GARF DEPARTMENT! THE CROWD OF LONELY MEN GOES FREAKING WILD! NOW THE GERMANS WILL HAVE TO PULL OFF AT LEAST A 4.25 IF THEY ARE TO ADVANCE FROM THE HEAT!
The German ladies line up in front of the judges, who peruse the evidence closely:
The judges are speechless. The Germans have made quite an impressive showing, highlighted mainly by the assets offered up by track and field ... uh, runner (is there a better name for what she does?) Susan Tiedtke. While we're still awaiting the result, I just can't imagine that the Italians made up enough points from their lesser showing in the BOOBAYS department to avoid defeat at the hands... err, BOOBAYS of the Germans.
And the judges give the Germans....
And the Germans advance to the championship, to face off against the Brazilians and the winner of Heat 3 (to be completed sometime in the next two years or so, hopefully sooner.) Thanks for ... uh, reading and such. (As if any of you actually read anything from above. I could have been talking about a Pluh.com sweepstakes in the text of this review, in which the winner gets a date with each of the competitors, and none of you would ever know about it because you'd have to ... you know... read the review to understand how to enter.)
|German Boobay Rating||Clearly the class of Europe.||5|
|German GARF Rating||Amazingly superior German craftmanship brings home the victory.||4.5|
|Overall German Hotness Score||Okay, it doesn't average correctly, but... eh... the Germans pretty much look perfect to me.||5|
|Italian Boobay Rating||Francesca--amazing though she may be--just can't carry the entire nation on her BOOBAYS.||4|
|Italian GARF Rating||Just unbelievable.||5|
|Overall Italian Hotness Score||Worthy, worthy, worthy competitors.||4.5|
|Final Verdict: 4.67|