A summation of a terrible book that might as well be a stupid comic.

So I guess I should preface this review with this mini-review. Stupid books are stupid, just like stupid is as stupid does, (amirite folks?) What you have to look ahead to for this is just a bunch of bitching and moaning about typical Mary-Sue pseudo-intellectual-ness, and perhaps a future pluhbabe on Tom Brokaw like I promised you so many articles ago. The words to describe this book are non-exsistence. Sure, I could go ahead and deem it one of the most pointless pieces of self-gratifying 16-Year-Old-Girl entertainment, but it sinks below even that. Ever see a movie called The Covenant? I didn't either, but I'm pretty sure the working title for Twilight was The Covenant 2: Oh, and There's Also Vampires. Any idea who decided to fund this monstrosity? Wanna hear some stuff about it?

 

First come love. Then comes staring. Then comes staring. Then comes staring.

Of all the plot lines that could have possibly been used here, Stephanie Meyer (also author to the three sequels) decided to go with the one that I'm sure started with something, and ended with whatever she didn't feel like going back and changing. Stephen King uses this method. Stephen King can also write and tell great stories without putting variations of himself in characters that everyone loves despite all their grotesque, annoying, and superficial flaws. So who is in this book exactly? We have young Isabella Swan (who I imagned as Isabella Rosselinni despite her 16-year-old-girl attitude and ... aura) who moves from the bustling party city of Pheonix, Arizona to some crap town in Oregon or Washington or something. One of those run of the mill western state towns you run through on your way to Seattle or back to Bend. Know what I'm saying? She meets this cat named Edward and, to her, he seems like a freak because he hung out with a bunch of pretty people and joked around with them. And then he started staring at her and saving her life from out of control vehicles, and he would stare at her as if he sprayed his shorts and couldn't pinch the crotch of said shorts together and rub until the drip was reduced to a miniscule, yet bothersome damp spot because everyone was looking at him because they all know what happened. Then they go and do some stuff together, like stare at each other and go to Seattle (so it was Washington). Then they all meet other vampires and some other stuff happens ... you know? I got about 250 pages in before I felt personally insulted. No. I didn't finish it ... but I'm not really a professional book review writer. So why should I waste my time on a book that I don't enjoy and am not even getting paid to read? Plot was awful.

 

He bites people and stalks people and stares at people and he's so romantic.

There was a fangirl somewhere that loved Twilight SO much that she decided that all men should strive to be like this Edward fella. I read about Edward, and I gotta tell you, if those dashing good looks didn't help Ted Bundy, then they shouldn't help Ed Cullen either. Of course, there are always going to be stupid girls who love the cocky muscle guy who is on trial for raping and killing 35 women across ... what was it ... six or seven states. But Edward is different. He doesn't want to bite Bella because he loves her, I guess. Regardless! We have our first character:

Bella Swan: Bella Swan just moved in from Pheonix and is obviously the most beautiful girl in the school and her only flaw is that she is adorably clumsy. Sounds like every dude's dream-freak, amirite? She's smart, in high school, and bares a striking resemblance to Stephanie Meyer. Strange. She is your typical Mary-Sue in that she, once again, resembles the author, everyone seems to have an enormous crush on her, and she has that rare, rare syndrome of 'everyone is watching me and I don't appreciate the attention. One of those people. Also, she doesn't seem to be very smart, or a good judge of character. You'd figure that if you discovered someone was a blood-sucking vermin, you may want to steer clear of that dude. But no. She falls in love with good looking guy who has something similar to down syndrome, and also turns out to be a vampire. I guess people do crazy stuff when they are in love, right? Ebert described them as oeniphiles (oeniphiles, oenephiles?) which means "they want each other so much because they want each other so much." Thanks Roger Ebert. I'll probably be quoting you well into my golden years.

Edward Cullen: This is a character who I came to believe had some serious potential as a viable human being whose luck must have run out some years ago. You see, Edward is a vampire, and a very good looking one at that. When we first meet him, he's intimidated by Bella, which is dumb because she's an idiot, and he, being a vampire, probably has some interesting stories to tell. No matter, because when he gets to know who she is he picks on her, which is kind of hilarious. Through a good 150 pages, their dialogue was something similar to this.

(Bella: I can't stop thinking about you.

Edward pushes Bella.

Edward: You are so dumb. I tell you I'm dangerous and you don't care. You are naive, and you have an awful judge of character.

Bella: I think I might love you.

Edward: Look at you! You are ssoooo dumb! You should consider suicide. I mean, you obviously have a death wish by hanging out with me. You are so dumb! You are so clumsy! You trip over your own shoe laces, god damn!)

Something like that. Unfortunately, Edward's well-placed elitist demeanor somehow dissipates and turns to dust once he ... falls in love with her? A guy like Edward doesn't easily fall in love with a girl like Bella, yet Edward doesn't seem to be able to control himself. You know why? Because Stephanie Meyer, despite the fact that they are her characters, doesn't even seem to know who they are. As if it actually mattered though, amirite?

 

Prose

It was written in the first person from Bella's point of view. It's way too bad though because Bella doesn't really have anything interesting to say. She's pretty much a city girl who moves to some hick town in Washington and meets a vampire and falls in love. If you sat down with this girl, you could ask her "Bella. You met a real vampire, huh? What was he or she like. Scary? Nice? Weird?" And that book would pretty much be the description. Sure, there might have been this weird love triangle, but everyone knew that Bella was shallow and Mary Sue enough to go for the seeminly attractive guy who is weird, has probably never been with a woman (seeing as how he acts), and is likely to become psychologically abusive. But none of that matters because it's written to pander to the hormones of 16-year-old-girls, as I have said many times before.

It doesn't help that Stephanie Meyer would love to be Bella Swan, and it also doesn't help that she makes it so abundantly clear that Bella is just a prettier version of her: Younger, and not fat. All of this shouldn't matter in a piece of literature, but after reading something like this, one must wonder about the reasoning behind such an idiotic story. Sure, I have characters in my head that mirror myself in several ways, but when you are writing a story, one of the key goals is to avoid making them relatable to you, the writer. One, it may reveal too much about yourself, and, for good reason, it makes the people around you, and the people around those people, and so on, wonder about the writer. Thus begins all thus unneccessary speculation on the author, and everyone forgets about the story. Meyer clearly has no literary taste or style. She has a bit of an advanced vocabulary, but that really doesn't change the fact that her storytelling is far under par. It's hilarious, really. Hilarious ... and also really sad.

 

HEY! I like Twilight! It makes me believe in love again!

If you or your goofy high school friends were moved by this material ... wow. Good for you. If you're an adult and you love the shit out of this book because it "speaks so honestly about love at a young age" you don't deserve to have daughters. Look kids, Edward Cullen is nothing more than one of those perverts you see wandering the streets who is likely to have murdered a number of beautiful young women, about to get caught, and go on to represent himself in a court of law while flirting with the jury. Then again, I never was really one to be suave with the ladies. After all, my dashingly good looks and brilliant but somehow naive and obsequeous writing skills never really made up for my lack of personality. But then again ... Ed doesn't have one either. He just kind of stares at people ... intensely. When he isn't making fun of them.

 

So no, I didn't like it.

Rating

Category Comment Rating
Fun Factor It started off alright I suppose. Ed made fun of Bella because she's kind of an idiot ... and then they fall in love. 1
Dumbness Level Extremely dumb! Jesus Christ! 5
Laugh Level There isn't even a laugh level here. It's just staring. Lots and lots of staring. Yeah. -1
Boredom Fix-ness I doubt there is much this woman could do to fix the god-awfulness of this book in every way. -2
Creativity Not an ounce. Stephen King said it best, "She just can not write!" But I mean ... you know ... maybe I shouldn't even be talking. -4
Final Verdict: -0.2

Comments!

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The following comments after this point are old comments. Yay!

Bran Flakes evaporates:

Smilie!I just don't understand how so many seemingly rational teenagers (that's a pun) can actually think this crap is good.
August 28th 2009, 8:49 PM

Isikins communicates:

Smilie!PsiNyde, Nancy Drew falling in love with a traveling insurance salesmen would make for a much better piece of ... uuuh ... pulp literature ...
August 4th 2009, 7:16 AM

vjfrost1 blahs:

Smilie!yeah it, sucked PRETTY bad then every teenage pushover,including the gay guys, went crazy as shit soon as it was announced it would become a movie and ran out to buy a fucking cardboard cut-out of that ugly, skinny, pasty-white motherfucker "edward"!!! am i the only one who this crap makes you wanna punch a kitten?!
July 22nd 2009, 1:29 AM

PsiNyde absolves:

Smilie!a couple of folks from my office got ALL into that dribble. i constantly made fun of them for reading childrens' stories. might as well have been nancy drew falling in love with a traveling insurance salesman...
July 9th 2009, 4:27 PM

gpdave1 jabbers:

Smilie!ignore works better, trust me.
June 11th 2009, 8:18 AM

Isikins communicates:

Smilie!And I wish consistent coffee date would make girls love me.
May 4th 2009, 8:54 AM

Shustermeister forms verbage to communicate:

Smilie!I wish stalking chicks would make them love me.
May 1st 2009, 5:49 PM

demonspeeder1 absolves:

Smilie!My sister is obsessed with this (and especially Edward!) that she got a shirt that said "Team Edward" on it and wore it all the time. My dog snatched it from the hamper one day and destroyed it. I now believe that whole "pets can feel what thier owners feel" thing is true. Woo!
April 22nd 2009, 8:17 PM

gpdave1 excretes:

Smilie!I was forced to watch pretty in pink, and by the end of that movie I was so pissed at the female population for that dumb bitch to be picking the wrong guy, I swore I might murder the next creator of likely filth. Alas, my sympathy for a pathetic woman writing to make her old fat self feel better keeps me from moving forward.
April 16th 2009, 5:30 AM
Those freaky fucks at the table.
Also they go out in nature together.
You're doing it wrong!
Chic cover art, mon freir! Je suis un requiiin!!