The Daily Dumb 6-20-2012

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I’d rock a pair of these.
Today’s first faceplant.
So you thought the water bottle prank was bad?
This girl scares the hell out of me.
Mommy’s furry little babysitter.
6 insanely valuable real treasures and how to steal them.
The true purpose of the internet is so that you can see this.
I don’t think it’s supposed to look like that.
Office prank win.
Tallest water slide…pants have been shat.
Party decor.
Don’t try this at home.
Questionable study help.
I am so glad this ended when it did.
Amen to that.
Cartman… has become… Catman.
Let’s play spot the metal head.
Guy quits job. Coworkers supply cake.
I wonder how in the hell that happened.
Always respect your elders.
Look out Chuck Norris.
I’ve done this. Lock your elbow stupid, it works.
People are so utterly stupid….
Fuckin’ dog.
Nasty racing crash.
True story.
Cat has 2000ms ping to its gateway.
It’s a sign man.
Dumb kid learns something.
The 6 creepiest lies the food industry is feeding you.
Pretty funny clip from the new spiderman.
Forgot your girlfriend’s birthday? Make her one of these.
Cute little ducky.
Definitive answer to a pressing question.
Fuck yeah wind.
Sooooo punny.
Viral compilation… of strange.
These guys are SOOOO tough.
Toddler gangsta rap.
Paste this on your mother’s facebook wall. I fucking dare you.
Triumph visits a hostile hot dog stand.
Heavy equipment skills.
The bottle wins.
Best dancing I’ve ever seen.
Beer pong nutcases.
That cut is fucking awful.
Oh Em Gee another faceplant.
The creator of linux has something to say to Nvidia.
KICKIN ASS FOR JESUS! We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all. Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences…..but Dad always had those cheap-o chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die… Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day…..he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).. That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clear