The Daily Dumb 8-19-2011

One for your answering machine: There once was a man from Nantucket, who was old, but not yet kicked the bucket, don’t be a creep, at the sound of the beep, leave a message or you can just f– orget about anyone calling you back!

Don’t ride a motorcycle… or be a pedestrian… or leave your house in China. The roads are dangerous.
My kind of lady.
David Thorne having fun at the office.
A thief, and a pervert.
Legitimate use for an iPad has been found.
Emo furniture.
Sounds like a great game to play the next time I’m in a club just before I start throwing grenades.
Gender crisis.
Ramen slip n slide.
Tough old man.
In Soviet Russia, wedding kicks fucking ass.
Awesome backflip.
Holy shit, that was scary.
Hilarious road rage.
A prank where the entire family is in on it is the best kind.
5 movie characters who were wildly unqualified for their job.
Parkour dog.
Bowling trick shots.
Reality sucks.
Pretty amazing watching this spider do its thing.
Next time use your night sticks…. A LOT.
Blindfolded on a BMX track. What could happen?
Horse derp.
Just fuckin’ die.
Watch his leg.
Perfect technique.
Scuba dog.
Gold ball physics.
Nice job kid.
Eating shit with style.
25 greatest unscripted scenes in film.
Remember this stupid shit?
Awesome biking video.
…and you thought the butt smacking in baseball was gay.
On special in the frozen aisle….
The 6 most mind blowing ways your brain can malfunction.
Onion update. There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit. A man sits down next to him and asks him, “What’s going on here? You keep saying, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit”. “Well”, says the guy, “my friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. So I said sure, why not?” He picked me up and we drove up to the mountains. After we had lunch, we started back down the mountain and his brakes went out!! He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So there we were picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey. We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road. I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading with him to do something!! We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figured this is it!! I just know we’re gonna die!! So I turne to him and said… “Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the best damn blow job you’ve ever had!!” “DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!”… (SPIT)